| Monday, June 09, 2008 |
| ENTRY 53: My First Class is in Less Than 8 Hours |
I'm so excited!
I don't know if I'll be able to get any sleep right now. I'm here sitting on my bed ready to get some shut-eye; I feel tired, but at the same time I'm wide awake. I can't help but wonder what my first class at film school is going to be like. Will it be everything I was hoping for, or will it be a total bust?
Crap...just realized I have a meeting at 11:30 with the financial advisor. Looks like I won't be getting much sleep then! Bleh.
I'll report back with how it goes!Labels: film school |
finished by Carter @ 7:55 AM   |
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| Friday, May 30, 2008 |
| ENTRY 52: A Date With Joan |
What a crummy Friday afternoon. The clouds are heavy, it's already rained but it looks like it's only getting started, and here I am inside with nothing to do but make a blog post. I tried to go out earlier today when it was still clear, but ultimately I did not because 1) I was tired and 2) the bright sunlight was hurting my eyes. I think that means that I've officially stayed at my job too long; it has gotten to the point where I have trouble adjusting to sunlight. Christ.
But yeah. I've resigned to the fact that I will never have a date with Joan. It just isn't going to happen. I was feeling really brave and optimistic is morning, and for a good reason, too (I'll tell you why in a bit). So much so that I was like "You know what? Let's just ask her out. She probably likes me, you know". So I asked her out, and she said no. For the second time. Ha.
I'm at a crossroads in my life. The realization has been dawning on me over the last couple of days, so really this was a now or never kinda deal. I'm starting film school June 9th, and I'm REALLY REALLY excited. I was so optimistic over life in general because of how well the orientation to my classes went on Wednesday. The teachers and faculty are great, and already they think I'm a genius and a perfect fit for the school. I've already gotten offers to work on sets with people who have worked with the likes of freakin' Samuel L. Jackson. It's Scott Pilgrim awesome.
I'm at a time where I have no choice but to move forward in everything that I do. Combined with all the shit that's been happening at my church, I figure it's time to let go of all the crap I've been holding on to for simply nostalgic reasons, and forge onward with what my life should really look like. So I asked Joan out, because she was something I thought would be a big part of my real life. Apparently not.
I'm excited, but sad at the same time. I'll have to let go of church (too stressful and not worth it) and Joan, because I really need to move on. It's just wasn't healthy anymore! Can't wait until June 9th, though....it's gonna be epic!Labels: church, film school, Joan |
| finished by Carter @ 6:17 PM |
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| Thursday, February 07, 2008 |
| ENTRY 38: Dream Deferred |
Not sure if I mentioned this in before, but the orientation for film school was to be held today at 11 am, but due to circumstance this isn't going to happen. A couple of days ago, I received a call and email from Ed@trebas (lol that's what I call him) that due to the lack of enrollment the class will be postponed until June 2008.
I was REALLY looking forward to today and February 11th (the start date), but as it stands, it looks like I'll wait a little bit longer. The biggest problem, though, is my OSAP. It was set to be released on the 11th, but now that the class isn't starting until June 2008, will I have to apply all over again? Will my empoyment up to that point affect how much I receive? Sigh.
Well, all things considered things could be a lot worse :P At least I got a sweet laptop in the meantime!
BLOG PLAYLIST
"Sexual Eruption (Sensual Seduction)" - Snoop Dogg
"Blurry" - Puddle of Mudd
"What Happened to that Boy" - Baby feat. The Clipse
Labels: film school, laptop, playlist |
| finished by Carter @ 8:29 AM |
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| Wednesday, January 16, 2008 |
| ENTRY 32: Getting into a Groove |
Now that I'm getting into film school, I'm trying to get into sort of a writing groove. The more I delve into the mindset, the more prepared I'll be for the classes and the better I'll perform. That's the theory anyway.
Thus, I've taken up a little side project along with one of my World Vision co-workers. He's had this idea for a movie for a while, and has enlisted my help in writing it. It' s been a couple of days, and so far it's been a grueling process trying to flesh out the characters and setting down a concrete plotline (we haven't finished the latter yet). All in all, though, it's a heckuva lot of fun. My co-worker is really excited; I cranked out a couple of pages of script for the end of Act 1, and he exclaims "This is exactly how I pictured it!" Which was pretty awesome.
Gonna go home today and try to finish more of the first act. We still need to work on themes, characters, and plotlines, but for now I can work with what we've accomplished up to this point. Should be doubly challenging since it's supposed to be a comedic script, and I mostly do dramas & film noirs. I have done comedy, but those were just short skits. Overall, it'll be quite the journey!Labels: film school, screenwriting |
| finished by Carter @ 4:35 AM |
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| Tuesday, January 15, 2008 |
| ENTRY 31: The Former |
Not sure where I'm going with this post, but it's been a coupla days so I just thought I should write something.
Well first off, it looks like my school financial problems have all worked out. I submitted my OSAP application, and the estimate showed that I will most likely be fully funded for the program. That means I'll be getting the full $16,800 for the tuition. I will, however, have to pay for the registration fee as well as for books and equipment ($590). My ownly issue now will be how to pay it back. I work overnights, so I don't know how I'll be able to cope with that once I start attending classes full-time. If I don't cut down my hours, I'll be one tired young man. If I do cut down my hours, how the heck will I be able to pay back the student loan? Decisions, decisions.
What else? I talked to Joan of Arc for the first time since before the holidays. Before then, for various reasons, I had been ready to just give up. I wasn't seeing her often enough, and frankly I wasn't quite sure the interest was there. But yeah, I attended church on Sunday, and afterwards she had actively approached me. When she walked by, I (being the dork that I am) nervously started going through my cellphone. After a small pause, she playfully asked who I was calling. I laughed and mumbled something about adding a phone number. Then we started talking.
Wasn't anything climactic, I'll tell you that (don't get too excited). She mentioned how she had had a bad week at work, but we didn't really get into it. My lil' bro was in a hurry to leave, so I departed, and was it just me or did Joan sound a little disappointed as we said our farewells...? Anyway, it was enough to get me to e-mail her. I mentioned that I felt bad that her week went so poorly, and suggested a little bit of escapism with a movie. NO, I DIDN'T ask her out; I merely suggested, since we seem to have similar tastes in movies, that she should check out El Orfanato (The Orphanage). Then I said something about how I hoped her week went a lot better than her last one did.
I wasn't really expecting a response back, so I was kind of surprised when one popped up in my inbox. She mentioned in it that she was happy that I had thought of her, and that she had been thinking about seeing the movie, and would definitely check it out now that I had endorsed it. Kinda taken aback, to say the least. Just being courteous, or should I read between the lines? I'll stick to the former for now.
Wow...long post considering I didn't really know what to write about.Labels: film school, Joan, OSAP |
| finished by Carter @ 6:40 AM |
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| Friday, January 11, 2008 |
| ENTRY 30: OSAP ASAP |
I'm really, really, really excited about my enrollment into Trebas. It's going to be amazing! Learning all the in's and out's, the do's and dont's about filming, directing, editing, and -- best of all -- screenwriting! The Institute just opened up a new studio, as well, so I'm heading to an open house next Wednesday to check it out. That should be awesome as well. The craziest things about it is that classes start February 11th! What?!
One downside: the tuition. I was under the impression that I'd have to pay, say, $5000...something along those lines. Turns out the tuition is a staggering $17,000. Where the hell am I going to find that much money in a month? Hence, why I'm turning to OSAP.
The last time I tried to apply for OSAP, I was turned down because I lived at home and my parents combined make more than 90K. Since then, nothing has changed, so as you can imagine I'm a little anxious. As I type this, I've been filling out the online application. Hopefully the sheer magnitude of the tuition will allow me some leeway in the eyes of the OSAP gods.
My pockets are lookin' kinda empty right now...Labels: film school, OSAP, Trebas, tuition |
| finished by Carter @ 12:10 AM |
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| Wednesday, January 09, 2008 |
| ENTRY 29: One Step Closer to the Dream |
Last couple of days (since Resolution Day, really) I've been kicking around the house, essentially being nothing more than a lazy (and at times, really sick) turd. It took me until early yesterday evening to realize that I had inadvertently accomplished exactly what I had set out to do.
Somewhere along the line, while I acted much like a couch (more of a bed) potato, I was able to get accepted into the Trebas Institute for the Film & Television Production and Post-Production program. In the first and second semesters, we learn (among other things) about screenwriting, which is what I'm truly interested in. Along the way, I'll learn about directing, production, and editing. Couldn't hurt!
On top of that, I may be starting as early as NEXT MONTH! Is that crazy or what? Ha, I was kinda just loafing around the house no more than 5 hours ago, when I stop and was like Whoa...I could be back in school in a couple of weeks! Hadn't realized I was following my Resolution so closely.Labels: film school, resolution, Trebas |
| finished by Carter @ 12:10 AM |
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| Thursday, January 03, 2008 |
| ENTRY 27: Return to the Grind/Resolution |
Well here I am, back at work for the first time in a couple of weeks. Haven't skipped a beat; tonight is way busier than usual, to the point where it's getting on my nerves. Luckily, I have a little bit of time to actually be writing this down. My bro got me a freakin' diary for Christmas -- why the fuck would he get me one of those when he knows I have this blog? Why, bro, why? LOL well despite the fact that it's a diary, it's an awesome present; the cover art is wicked...maybe I'll use it as a rhymbook when I actually get around to doing music again.
I'm not a New Year's Resolution kinda guy, not even close (Happy New Year everyone, by the way). I feel like if one has to make a change, why wait until New Year's to "make" it? Because more often than not, if you haven't changed yet, it's going to take more than a a new January to make that change occur.
Now if I was a Resolution kinda guy, I know exactly what I'd resolve to do: to get off my ass, for God's sake. My parents are back; I've met them for all of an hour and I've already let them down. One of the main things on my Daunting List was to get an application in for film school, and I haven't done that yet. I spent most of my vacation doing vacation stuff, and forgot to do the things that would really matter (the music & the movie stuff). My own feelings are kinda muddied, but for one, I can sense a lot of shame.
Who knows, maybe I just put it all out there and Resolve to be less of a procrastinator. Set dates -- and actually stick to 'em. Then maybe my life would start moving forward.Labels: film school, music, parents, resolution |
| finished by Carter @ 2:56 AM |
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| Saturday, December 22, 2007 |
| ENTRY 24: Ones You Can Depend On |
So I've been feeling kinda down since the whole TFC "debacle" (okay it wasn't really a debacle, just a very short phone call, but whatever), and all in all feeling a lot of uncertainty and confusion over my future. I would've been in real trouble if it weren't for some timely intervention from friends.
Yesterday started off as long as ever until I was MSN'd by Crazy R. He was on his way downtown to pick up some transcripts and to meet up with some other peeps. I tagged along; overall the trip wasn't very eventful, but it felt nice to be in some good company.
From there I headed down to my bro's apartment, where he was having a pre-Christmas get together. I ended up heading there with his boyfriend Big A, who is an awesome dude. We had to actually wait outside Twin M's apartment because the idiot had decided to head to No Frills at the last second. It was okay, however; me and Big A had some good bonding time. Eventually it was Twin M, Big A, Co-worker J (perky white girl that works with my bro), Siv, and I in the apartment chowing down on some chicken & rice and downing the good ol' ethanol. It was great; Co-worker J had a lot of great stories, and overall the conversation was smooth, comfortable, not forced at all.
From there I headed down Bathurst to meet up from some friends from wayyy back. It was easily the highlight of the night, and it was great to just fall back into that comfort zone that had been formed eleven, twelve years ago.Labels: film school, friends |
| finished by Carter @ 12:36 PM |
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| Wednesday, December 19, 2007 |
| ENTRY 23: Broken Glass, Everywhere II |
Couldn't finish this post last night; I was in absolute shambles. After I awoke from crying myself to sleep yesterday, I called up some buddies. One of them, whom I shall refer to as Crazy R, was completing his last exam that day. He finished at 5 pm, so we, along with two other friends whom I shall call The Lovers (they have recently gotten engaged), met up and went for some drinks. For me the plan was to just psychologically run away and put some distance between myself and the apparent destruction of my dream future. I was going to get pleasantly inebriated at some God-forsaken watering hole and hopefully end up with some company for the night (yeah...this was the state of mind I was in).
Didn't work out that way, much to my despair. We ended up at some Chinese restaurant, and I, completely forgetting myself, ordered some beef/vermicelli thing. Thus, since I'm highly allergic to MSG, I was mere minutes into my meal when my throat started closing and I felt like throwing up. Awesome dinner.
Afterward, instead of going to a bar we just bought some alcohol and went and chilled at one of The Lovers' (the woman) houses. On a side note, there had been a time when I had been desperately in love with this girl, but suffice to say that my heart, figuratively speaking, wound up crushed beneath her heel. It's been a while (several years) since this occurred, but every so often her knee would brush against my inner thigh, or she'd crawl over me, and it was really awkward and unnerving for me. She obviously didn't mean anything by it (that's just the way she is), but all the same it was uncomfortable at times.
We watched a shitty movie and then we went our separate ways. I ended up at home, not drunk enough and utterly alone. As I mounted my stairs a soft glow caught my eyes. It was my Christmas tree, which I had made sure to plug in before I left. I went over and hugged it.Labels: Christmas tree, dream, drunk, film school |
| finished by Carter @ 10:46 AM |
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| ENTRY 22: Broken Glass, Everywhere I |
Today was a day that resounded with a brutal realization.
I looked at my Daunting List and jumped into it head-first. I was going to get things done, goddammit! I had come home from work, checked my e-mail, got breakfast, stretched my arms and got to work. I was going to first call the Toronto Film College and inquire as to what the next steps were in order to get accepted into the institution. As I was perusing my emails for the relevant phone number, I was talking to a friend online about what I was planning on doing school-wise. She told me, just as I found the college's phone number, that one of her friends had gone to the TFC, but 2 years later was still working at Burger King.
My heart dropped like lead in a fish tank. Denial tried to build a fortress but it was quickly, effortlessly, and efficiently torn down by despair. In a daze I got up from the computer, walked into my room and sagged down on my bed. Was this it? Was this what was in store for me? Should I even bother? At this point, despair started making way for persistence and courage. I picked up the phone. I was NOT going to be like Mr. Burger King. I will PERSIST; I will PREVAIL. There was NO WAY some horror story was going to stop me from realizing my dream.
I called the number.
Operator (tired; indifferent): Hello, thank you for calling the Toronto Film School.
Me (embarrassed): Oh, I'm sorry...I thought this was the Toronto Film College.**
Operator (irritated): They're the same thing.
Me (embarrassed): Oh...oh, ok. Well I had completed your online application and received this number in a responding email.
Operator (indifferent): Right.
Me (apprehensive): Yeah, so I was wondering what the next steps in the application process were.
Operator (indifferent): Well, actually sir the Toronto Film School is closing its doors in 2009, so we're not taking on any more students.
Me (heartbroken): ....Oh.
Operator (indifferent): Take care, sir. Good-bye.
*click*
Me (heartbroken): Good-bye...
And that was that. In an instant my entire dream came crashing down around me. The utter silence in the house was deafening, unbearable, yet I dared not disturb it by making a sound. Moments later, however, I did; I lay down in my bed and cried myself to sleep.
Labels: dream, film school |
| finished by Carter @ 1:30 AM |
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| Tuesday, December 18, 2007 |
| ENTRY 20: Last Day |
So today is my last day on the job before my vacation begins. I would have thought I'd be more excited, but alas this is not the case. Instead, I feel a small, budding sense of apprehension deep in my chest; sometimes I'm worried that I won't be able to accomplish the things I want to get accomplished over this holiday season. Before she left, my mom chewed me out over my lack of commitment and drive; she's under the impression that I'm just going through the motions with this film college application. I really want to go to this school, but as of yet she's right: I haven't done anything to make it happen.
I could have ordered my university transcripts already, but I haven't. I received an e-mail in response to the online application, giving me a phone number to call for further inquiries; I could have called this number but I have yet to do so. Why, even when directed at a true love of mine, is my ambition still lacking? Why can't I just get up and do the things that need to be done?
Fortunately it's not too late to turn it all around. Today will define how much of a success my vacation will be. Will I get off my ass and start making some major moves, or will I sit back flipping channels while opoportunities pass me by? My mom wants answers when she returns; I have to discipline myself to make sure that these answers will be provided.
I'm going to miss my co-workers. There is one guy, whom I shall call S. Asshole, who is self-confident almost to a fault. He can argue anything, will argue everything, and doesn't care who he pisses off because of it. He is my comic book buddy; we both bring in trades and issues that the other has not seen or read yet, discuss current events in the Marvel, DC, and Image universes, and drool over the upcoming Batman: The Dark Night movie. Joker looks WICKED!
There is also Silver Shal, my movie buddy; he brings in his laptop and I provide various DVDs to pass the time. There is also Calm C, a soft-spoken dude with a strong, friendly spirit and a infectious laugh. Big D, my supervisor, and Mario are always good for a laugh as well.
Gonna miss 'em all!
P.S. I'm beginning to cross things off The Daunting List!Labels: ambition, film school, parents, work |
| finished by Carter @ 3:39 AM |
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| Sunday, November 25, 2007 |
| ENTRY 4: Sex/Love Prequel |
It's the beginning of another week; more overnights at work, more mornings and early afternoons buried beneath my bedsheets. But as the week begins I am already regarding its end with a mixture of feelings I have yet to fully sort through. I am currently acting as one of the two junior youth leaders for my church's youth group, and on Friday we have planned a session to discuss love, sex, and relationships. For the most part, I have become something of a role model to many of the church's youth, a duty that I fully embrace. However, when it comes to the topics to be covered in the imminent session, being a role model is a duty I am not sure I can comfortably fulfill.
Love, sex, and romantic relationships are things I have seriously struggled with throughout my life. I have dated, but each time the relationships have been embarrassingly brief and depressingly empty, to say the least; the dates I have partaked in I did so only for the sake of dating, and all in all my heart had not been in it. I have experienced love, but only in its most unfilling of articulations: unrequited. I am not sure how, but somehow I have been conditioned to have an acute, immense fear of rejection, and thus have been kept from pursuing attractions; I have continued to love from afar for 23 years.
I have a certain naïveté pertaining to women, as well; it has kept me from fully understanding individuals' motives and intentions, and thus many an opportunity has callously passed me by. Don't get me wrong, I am no victim; my naïveté has also caused a lot of harm, too (if you have seen some of my previous blogs you'll know what I'm talking about).
Overall I am far from being a role model when it comes to this loaded subject. I can give a lot of theoretical advice, but when it comes to practical applications, I am effectively clueless. Should I start making notes for Friday or something? It only makes things more complicated that the object of my affection, for better or for worse, just happens to be the other junior youth leader. It's going to hard to talk about crushes, attraction, and relationships in front of the very woman you want to experience it all with. It isn't quite irony, but it still really sucks.
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In other news, I haven't been able to check my e-mail for a couple of days, so I don't know if I've recieved a response from the Toronto Film School. The apprehension is building; it is palpable!Labels: church, film school, love, relationships, sex, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 11:59 PM |
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| Saturday, November 24, 2007 |
| ENTRY 3: Careers/Unstable Futures |
I fear for my brother.
I fear that his life is in jeopardy. Not in any conventional way, mind you; to the best of my knowledge nobody is hiding behind some corner, or sneaking into his apartment complex with a loaded gun and a desire for blood. But there IS a growing army of unsettlingly powerful people with chips on their shoulders. And who knows, there may BE, in one form or another, in their hearts a desire for blood.
My brother is presently teaching Grade 8 math, history, and English at an "academic" school in a decidedly rich neighborhood. His classes consist of an alarming majority of aloof teenagers with way too much money stuffed into their back pockets. My brother tries to challenge them in a school that is content with handing out straight A's like it was some sort of twisted charity, and the result has been an all-time low in class averages. Parents are all up in arms, despite my brother's incessant and repeated attempts in the past to open a forum of discourse. He has held daily extra help sessions; students have been indifferent and have not attended. He assigns homework; the students are indifferent and refuse to complete it. The end result is that the students are failing and their parents are enraged at my brother. Consequently, the administration is not happy.
All possible outcomes for this situation are not positive. Either my brother stays the course, and the parents -- many of them powerful figures in the society: doctors and lawyers -- force the administration to fire my brother, or my brother bends and hands the students marks they in no way, shape, or form deserve -- and in doing so, is forced to reliquish his integrity. Additionally, there would still be the very real threat of dismissal.
An almost impossible decision: do you continue to be a good teacher, or do you keep your job?
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In other news -- and I'm quite excited -- I've applied to the Toronto Film College for the Scriptwriting Diploma. It would be 8 months of classes (this is my understanding), but aside from that I do not know much. Information is apparently being sent either via regular mail or e-mail; I wait for it with eagerness and apprehension. Will I be accepted? If not, what then? If so, will it be a successful venture?
Out of all these questions, I have the answer to only one: if I do get accepted, I will fight tooth and tail, sacrifice blood, sweat and tears to make sure that is will be a successful venture.Labels: brother, careers, film school, michael, teaching |
| finished by Carter @ 11:38 PM |
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| The famous words of Jesus Christ resonate with my person: words impressing me with total, victorious finality. Words that I hope to say down the road. |
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Name: Carter
Home: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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