| Friday, February 29, 2008 |
| ENTRY 45: Crash |
I had gone to Town Center Montessori to pick up my lil' bro Big M, only he wasn't there; it was the date of the big basketball tournament at some other school and nobody had thought to tell me. Peeved, since I had driven all the way there in horrible weather conditions, I left.
Minutes after leaving the school, the back wheels of my parents' Buick Rendezvous lose traction and I start sliding to the left into oncoming traffic. I turn the steering wheel slightly to the right, like they teach you in driving school, but the car keeps sliding left. Instantly, before I realize, I panic and jerk the wheel hard all the way to the right. Now the car decides to respond, and spins sharply to the right and off the road. The front slams into a tree and a hit my head on the driver side window. An old Destiny's Child song bumps through the speakers.
I sit there in disbelief as the song continues to play. Without getting out I know that there's going to be damage; it was a hard collision. One car passes me. Then another. The next one slows, but ultimately decides not to stop. I get out of the car and groan: there's a gigantic dent in the side of the car, right between the driver's door and the front wheel. It's a nasty one.
For some reason I had decided to leave my cellphone at home.
To shaken and emotionally crushed to even curse, I get back into the car, bust a three-point turn and drive home. The steering is off; I have to turn the wheel almost 90 degrees to the right just to keep driving straight.
I get home and tell dad, who's been sick all week with the flu, literally bed-ridden. He comes out and checks the damage. He laments, but overall does a good job of not eating my head off. All the same, I break down and cry; the guilt is too much. The last thing he had told me before I left home was to be careful, and I go and crash the car. A disappointment, a let-down. I weep, and for the first time in m life, my dad comes over and hugs me and comforts me while I stood there crying. I want to say that I'm sorry. For the car, but more importantly for not becoming the successful son he thought I was going to be, the big-time biochemist working on a cure for cancer -- not some dude working the graveyard shift at a call center. That's where most of the guilt is coming from. I want to apologize for this most of all, but I'm crying to hard to speak. I hold my dad fiercely, desperately as I cry into his coat.
I eventually gather myself and mumble something about going to the bank. I walk 30 min in the blizzard and withdraw almost my entire savings. The teller probably thought I stole the bank card from Mr. Carter and was jacking him for all he was worth. I didn't care. I put the money in an envelope and walk the 30 minutes back home. When I get back, my dad isn't home, but my mom is; I give the $1200 to her and explain to her why I'm doing it. She turns to ice. I go and fix the wireless network.
Well, at least I have the next episode of Lost to distract me.Labels: crash, family, Lost, parents |
finished by Carter @ 7:44 PM   |
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| Thursday, January 03, 2008 |
| ENTRY 27: Return to the Grind/Resolution |
Well here I am, back at work for the first time in a couple of weeks. Haven't skipped a beat; tonight is way busier than usual, to the point where it's getting on my nerves. Luckily, I have a little bit of time to actually be writing this down. My bro got me a freakin' diary for Christmas -- why the fuck would he get me one of those when he knows I have this blog? Why, bro, why? LOL well despite the fact that it's a diary, it's an awesome present; the cover art is wicked...maybe I'll use it as a rhymbook when I actually get around to doing music again.
I'm not a New Year's Resolution kinda guy, not even close (Happy New Year everyone, by the way). I feel like if one has to make a change, why wait until New Year's to "make" it? Because more often than not, if you haven't changed yet, it's going to take more than a a new January to make that change occur.
Now if I was a Resolution kinda guy, I know exactly what I'd resolve to do: to get off my ass, for God's sake. My parents are back; I've met them for all of an hour and I've already let them down. One of the main things on my Daunting List was to get an application in for film school, and I haven't done that yet. I spent most of my vacation doing vacation stuff, and forgot to do the things that would really matter (the music & the movie stuff). My own feelings are kinda muddied, but for one, I can sense a lot of shame.
Who knows, maybe I just put it all out there and Resolve to be less of a procrastinator. Set dates -- and actually stick to 'em. Then maybe my life would start moving forward.Labels: film school, music, parents, resolution |
| finished by Carter @ 2:56 AM |
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| Tuesday, December 18, 2007 |
| ENTRY 20: Last Day |
So today is my last day on the job before my vacation begins. I would have thought I'd be more excited, but alas this is not the case. Instead, I feel a small, budding sense of apprehension deep in my chest; sometimes I'm worried that I won't be able to accomplish the things I want to get accomplished over this holiday season. Before she left, my mom chewed me out over my lack of commitment and drive; she's under the impression that I'm just going through the motions with this film college application. I really want to go to this school, but as of yet she's right: I haven't done anything to make it happen.
I could have ordered my university transcripts already, but I haven't. I received an e-mail in response to the online application, giving me a phone number to call for further inquiries; I could have called this number but I have yet to do so. Why, even when directed at a true love of mine, is my ambition still lacking? Why can't I just get up and do the things that need to be done?
Fortunately it's not too late to turn it all around. Today will define how much of a success my vacation will be. Will I get off my ass and start making some major moves, or will I sit back flipping channels while opoportunities pass me by? My mom wants answers when she returns; I have to discipline myself to make sure that these answers will be provided.
I'm going to miss my co-workers. There is one guy, whom I shall call S. Asshole, who is self-confident almost to a fault. He can argue anything, will argue everything, and doesn't care who he pisses off because of it. He is my comic book buddy; we both bring in trades and issues that the other has not seen or read yet, discuss current events in the Marvel, DC, and Image universes, and drool over the upcoming Batman: The Dark Night movie. Joker looks WICKED!
There is also Silver Shal, my movie buddy; he brings in his laptop and I provide various DVDs to pass the time. There is also Calm C, a soft-spoken dude with a strong, friendly spirit and a infectious laugh. Big D, my supervisor, and Mario are always good for a laugh as well.
Gonna miss 'em all!
P.S. I'm beginning to cross things off The Daunting List!Labels: ambition, film school, parents, work |
| finished by Carter @ 3:39 AM |
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| Thursday, December 06, 2007 |
| ENTRY 12: Christmas Considerations |
God I had a big dinner but I'm already starving -- it's going to be a LONG night.
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Hmm. There has been a big turn-around in the last 24 hours or so. I guess it should have come as no surprise, but it has. My mom has officially informed me about this holiday trip they are taking: they depart in just over a week's time and come back in the new year. This means that I'd have the house to myself for just over two weeks. The surprising part is that they've found me a ticket -- if, that is, I can (read: want) to take it.
I thought about whether or not heading off to Barbados with the fam for the Christmas holidays is something that I really want to do. On the one hand, I think getting away from Toronto for a while is something that I should definitely be looking into. Besides, when's the next time I'll be able to go to Barbados? Yeah, probably not for a while. On the other hand, having the house to myself for two weeks would be pretty sweet, too (see previous post). On top of that, I was kind of hoping to spending Christmas with Twin M, and if I head off to B-dos that's definitely not going to happen. I CAN do with a break from delivering newspapers and sub-zero temperatures, on the other hand.
I dunno...I have yet to come to a final decision. But hey, it might not even be in my hands; I have to make sure work OK's the possibility of the trip. I don't want to end up coming back from B-dos and finding out that I no longer have a job. I'll find out about that at the end of my shift today.
Anyhoo, today should be pretty interesting...I'm going bowling with a co-worker (she's from Trinidad and says she's never been bowling before), but who knows there's a good chance that she'll flop on me -- wouldn't THAT be the story of my life? Hardy har har.Labels: brother, Christmas, family, parents, vacation |
| finished by Carter @ 12:02 AM |
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| Wednesday, December 05, 2007 |
| ENTRY 11: Rest in Peace |
Hmm. Did I sound a little jaded at the end of my previous post? Maybe a little bit of sour grapes? Yeah, I guess -- because that's exactly how I feel. It just strikes me as odd that my parents would plan a Christmas vacation without informing me. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.
Am I hurt? Slightly. But I have to admit that I'm a little excited, too! I'll have the whole house to myself for the holidays. That can make things pretty interesting...my "Life Days" can now fully be life days since I won't have to worry about getting home for 2 a.m. (woo!) All the same, it's going to be weird spending Christmas without the fam (though I will be attending Christmas dinner with my Auntie N). We'll see how that goes.
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I didn't get much sleep today; I was on duty at the funeral of Frank Daley at my church, the St. Andrew Anglican Church of Scarborough. There were over 300 people in attendance, and the sheer intensity of emotion that saturated the air had me incredibly humbled; I could feel that what I was sensing was only the tip of an unfathomably immense iceberg. I could hardly imagine that one man had had such a deep, positive impact on so many lives. Though I didn't know the man at all (I had only seen him around the church every now and then) I found that I was proud of him and all of his many accomplishments. I paid my own personal respects after the service, standing before his parish photo of him and his wife for a good minutewhile people bustled to and fro.Labels: church, family, funeral, parents |
| finished by Carter @ 3:41 AM |
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| Monday, December 03, 2007 |
| ENTRY 10: Buckling Down & Breaking Down |
Winter is truly upon us; when I left for work this evening the snow was coming down in huge whiet clumps that looked like entire dandelion heads. The sky looked like God was shaking his infinite head of infinite hair and was in desperate need of some Pert Plus or Selsum Blue. There are times when the snowfall can have a harrowing and overly depressing effect on one's soul; there are other times, when it falls lazily and almost majestically, when the snow can be calming, tranquil and serene. Tonight was one of those serene nights for sure...add to this the startling contrast between the black sky and white flakes, and you make for breathtaking scenery. It definitely got me in the right mood for work.
I've really been on my younger brother's ass recently about his schoolwork. He has three tests coming up (two of which he will be missing -- more on that later), the first of which is science. He seems to have a singular problem with science: it's not so much that he doesn't understand the concepts, it's more than he has trouble articulating them into coherent phrases. As I've mentioned before, I've started noticing Big M moving away from the academics and focusing ~80% of his energy either on athletics, comic books, or video games, and I wanted to actively try and reverse this before he begins slipping farther down into this apparent Native Son (ie N####r) Stereotype.
His teachers at school are beginning to treat him like a problem child, even though he has no history of class disruption; he'll get a stern penalty for something as trivial as accidently burping out loud or whistling a tune. He gets pegged as a D student by other teachers even though to the best of my knowledge before this year he's never gotten a D on a report card in his life. The best thing many of them can stress during parent-teacher interviews is how good he is a basketball (and he isn't even that good), rather than focusing on other things like his exceptional spelling test marks. With all this and more, I am almost completely convinced that Big M is beginning to internalize.
I am partly to blame, unfortunately. My bro's classmates, since late last year, have had this notion that I am some sort of gangster. I should have quelled these statements immediately, nipped them in the butt, as it were. However, I was somewhat mystified, flattered even, that I somehow embodied the "Super-cool Older Brother" archetype -- or at the very least a variation of such. I am sure that my supposed "gangster" image has added to Big M's internalization, and this is a major reason why I have decided to try to break down and reverse this phenomenon. Penance.
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I mentioned before how Big M may be missing 2 of his 3 imminent tests. Turns out that my parents and him are going on vaction. I don't know where they are going, I don't know when they are going (must be pretty soon though), and I have no idea how long they are going for. I have not been informed about this and I don't plan on asking any questions. I only found out because Big M opens his notoriously big mouth:
Mom: Make sure you study for that science test for Tuesday. And don't you have other tests as well? Make sure to study for those too!
Big M (and his big mouth): But aren't we not going to be here for those two?
(short awkward silence)
Mom: I want you to study for them anyway!
Big M (who can't take a hint to shut up): But we won't be here!
Mom: JUST DO IT!
**end of conversation**
I kept my mouth throughout this exchange; this was something they had deliberately kept from me, so if it was something they didn't want me to know about I wasn't about to start asking questions now. The next day my mom started mentioning something about possibly looking for another ticket, but again I kept my mouth shut; I don't intend on inquiring unless they full out come and tell me what the heck is going on. Anyway, that's the sitch.Labels: brother, family, parents, school, secret, stereotypes, vacation |
| finished by Carter @ 11:56 PM |
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| Tuesday, November 27, 2007 |
| ENTRY 5: Honey, I'm Condescending to the Kids |
Christmas is fast approaching; before you know it's going to be almost Valentine's Day -- THAT I can guarantee. I promised myself a couple of weeks ago that I would have all my shopping done already; I know the season shouldn't be all about consumerism, etc. etc., but this is the first year in a long time -- heck, maybe the first year EVER -- that I will actually have a sufficient amount of disposable income to dish out some satisfactory gifts.*
I've figured out what I'm going to get my parents for Christmas. Our fridge recently been a constant target for our exasperation, frustration, and frankly RAGE. Its various parts decide to cut out at various times, and in turn the repair man (the same one) has been making regular visits. Everyone is disgruntled...even the repair man!
In any event, an excellent gift would be a level playing field. I've always struggled to understand why I usually feel like total crap after any sort of serious discussion/argument with my parents I'm now getting closer to some sort of complete awareness and understanding. My parents have an innate way of patronizing a listener. I am fully convinced that they are completely unaware of this, but such condescention -- whether intended or not -- has begun to have a deep effect on me. I haven't quite delved into how far-reaching these effects have gone.
Again, I don't want to make out like a victim. Who knows, maybe it isn't such a big deal. Maybe patronizing doesn't have a huge negative effect, but in my opinion, why take the risk? Why not treat others like equals? Is belittling ever necessary?Labels: family, parents |
| finished by Carter @ 11:43 PM |
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| Monday, November 19, 2007 |
| ENTRY 1: Crossroads |
And I know what you're thinking, so let me get it out of the way and slap you right off the bat for thinking the title was a Britney Spears allusion. I am, figuratively speaking, at several crossroads in my life right now, so much so that ultimatums are being drawn.
As a rule I don't react well to ultimatums. I don't think many people do. But I have to admit that sometimes ultimatums can be necessary, and I am probaby 75% willing to concede that in my case drastic measures need to be taken. I'm kind of stuck in a rut. I'm making money, granted, but as of now there isn't much of a future in sight. Well, not an acceptable future in some people's eyes.
I know things have to change. I get it; I'm FAR from being a naive idiot -- idealistic, maybe, but not naive. Anyhow, it goes without saying that something's gotta give. Have you ever been in such a situation? Have you felt the extreme pressure? Almost as if you're running out of air and you're still uncomfortably far away from the water's surface?Labels: careers, parents, philosphy |
| finished by Carter @ 6:30 AM |
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| The famous words of Jesus Christ resonate with my person: words impressing me with total, victorious finality. Words that I hope to say down the road. |
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Name: Carter
Home: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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