| Friday, May 30, 2008 |
| ENTRY 52: A Date With Joan |
What a crummy Friday afternoon. The clouds are heavy, it's already rained but it looks like it's only getting started, and here I am inside with nothing to do but make a blog post. I tried to go out earlier today when it was still clear, but ultimately I did not because 1) I was tired and 2) the bright sunlight was hurting my eyes. I think that means that I've officially stayed at my job too long; it has gotten to the point where I have trouble adjusting to sunlight. Christ.
But yeah. I've resigned to the fact that I will never have a date with Joan. It just isn't going to happen. I was feeling really brave and optimistic is morning, and for a good reason, too (I'll tell you why in a bit). So much so that I was like "You know what? Let's just ask her out. She probably likes me, you know". So I asked her out, and she said no. For the second time. Ha.
I'm at a crossroads in my life. The realization has been dawning on me over the last couple of days, so really this was a now or never kinda deal. I'm starting film school June 9th, and I'm REALLY REALLY excited. I was so optimistic over life in general because of how well the orientation to my classes went on Wednesday. The teachers and faculty are great, and already they think I'm a genius and a perfect fit for the school. I've already gotten offers to work on sets with people who have worked with the likes of freakin' Samuel L. Jackson. It's Scott Pilgrim awesome.
I'm at a time where I have no choice but to move forward in everything that I do. Combined with all the shit that's been happening at my church, I figure it's time to let go of all the crap I've been holding on to for simply nostalgic reasons, and forge onward with what my life should really look like. So I asked Joan out, because she was something I thought would be a big part of my real life. Apparently not.
I'm excited, but sad at the same time. I'll have to let go of church (too stressful and not worth it) and Joan, because I really need to move on. It's just wasn't healthy anymore! Can't wait until June 9th, though....it's gonna be epic!Labels: church, film school, Joan |
finished by Carter @ 6:17 PM   |
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| Monday, May 12, 2008 |
| THE 50TH ENTRY |
Wow it's been a couple of months since my last post. I hadn't forgotten about this little blog, but it was the 50th post; I wanted to make sure I had something BIG to write about, something that was 50th post worthy.
Turned out the BIG EVENT wasn't exactly what I was hoping for (i.e. date with Joan); in fact, it wasn't anything positive at all. The youth group leader at my church was booted by the priest-in-charge and the wardens.
Let me rewind a bit, see if I can fill in some back story. As I mentioned before, I was a junior youth leader at my church in Scarborough. Joan and I worked with the Youth Group Leader to provide activities and programs for youth from the church and the surrounding community. Over the years our group has grown very close, to the point where we all regard the YGL as a second mother, and likewise she regards all of us as her children.
Over the past year or so, the YGL's health had begun to deteriorate. She had been working 60+ hour weeks and not eating right, and developed Type II diabetes, high blood pressure, and a lot of other bad stuff. Youth group meetings started being postponed or just outright canceled, much to the chagrin of the youth. But we assumed that it was because of the YGL's health, so we understood. It was only later that the YGL divulged to us that these cancellations were because the wardens had refused to release funds that had been promised to us in the yearly budget. From then on things began going downhill. The feud between the YGL and the Powers That Be (that's what I call the wardens + the priest) swelled to ridiculous proportions, and Joan and I got stuck in the middle trying to mediate it all.
It was a stressful time, and my own health began to suffer. I started getting really sick on a regular basis, sometimes unable to keep anything down for days. It was absolutely ridiculous. Anyway, up to maybe a week ago, things seemed to be going relatively smoothly; you can say that there was the atmosphere of a ceasefire. Then out of the blue I receive a call from the priest informing me that the YGL has been removed. No explanation as to why, just that it happened.
Things have been crazy since then. The youth have been up in arms, the YGL has been up in arms...and me? I'm tired. I quit all my positions in the church (youth group leader, parish council, communications team, server's guild, transition committee, church school teacher, etc....yeah there were quite a few) much to the shock of the Powers That Be, since they were going to ask me to take over as Youth Group Leader.
But yeah, things are only going to get worse, I imagine. The Powers That Be had been trying to keep everything hush-hush, but the YGL started handing out packages detailing abusive correspondence, and the youth are setting up petitions. And I just want things to end. Strange times, I tells ya, strange times.Labels: church, Joan, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 5:17 PM |
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| Monday, February 25, 2008 |
| ENTRY 43: The Week Ends |
I just want to say right off the bat that I apologize if every one of my posts ends up being about Joan of Arc. It's just that right now she seems to be such an important part of my life, though I highly doubt that she knows it. I wouldn't be surprised if I was in love with her. I definitely know that I want to be in love with her.
Anyway, the week that was came to a satisfyingly relaxing conclusion yesterday, which was great. On Friday we had a youth group meeting, where the youth were able to vent over the recent trials and tribulations that we all have been caught up in within our church. Without getting into it, the fact is that there is a war going on within our parish. Surprising at it may sound, it is fact, and it scares me and depresses me that this shit can be going on in the house of God, you know? We should all be getting along, but instead such bitterness, animosity, and hatred can flow between different parties. Joan and I had already decided between the two of us that we wouldn't take sides and try to be mediators, but in doing so both sides think that we are against them. It's hard being in the middle.
It was primarily why I was so tired this week; I was exhausted with all the fighting. At the end of the youth group meeting, we were able to talk briefly about relationships (which is actually what we were supposed to talk about that evening lol), and Joan got really excited that her and I had so much in common when it came to what we wanted in , and what we brought to, a relationship. Pretty awesome, but again I had no idea how to take advantage of the situation. I know, I know....I seriously need help!
I needed to blow off some steam, so on Saturday I finally was able to reach what had become my regular weekend chill spot, Smokey Joe's. I hadn't got on a dance floor in months, and for a second I thought that I had lost my rhythm. Lucky for me, I hadn't and I danced the night away. A lot of my Smokey Joe friends were there, so it was a blast! I was able to sleep for most of the day Sunday for a change, and I was able to go to work refreshed! A big change from last week.
All in all, things are looking up I guess, so I hope they just continue to improve.
BLOG PLAYLIST
"Diary" - Alicia Keys feat. Tony Toni Tone
"Presidential MC" - Method Man feat. Raekwon & RZA
"Snow (Hey Oh)" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
"If I Ever Fall in Love Again (a capella)" - Shai
"Find Out" - ClassifiedLabels: Joan, love, playlist, Smokey Joe's, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 8:00 AM |
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| Thursday, February 21, 2008 |
| ENTRY 42: Burn-out |
Okay, so today is Thursday, and I can't think of any other time where I was this happy for Friday to be right around the corner. Usually the third week in a month is hectic with meetings and such, but this month has been just ridiculous!
Problems started on Sunday with the annual Vestry meeting after church. It was so freakin' crazy that I took me a couple of days to fully comprehend everything that happened, hence why I haven't blogged about it yet. Thing is that there's been a heckuva lot of fallout from the meeting, and I'm still trying to do clean-up as we speak. Overall, the experience has been incredibly draining.
If that was the only thing that had happened this week, I would have been able to manage (just barely, but I could've done it). However, I had another meeting on Tuesday, and another one at Wednesday, both of which were also church-related. And in both cases, the events of Vestry inevitably arose in conversation, and tempers flared. And here I am, lucky me, caught right in the middle. It's freakin' church; I don't want to take sides -- that's not what church is supposed to be all about. Instead I have the almost impossible task of trying to keep everyone appeased while trying to solve the larger issue almost single-handedly. Fun!
Along the way, I kind of forgot to sleep: I haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep since Sunday. Last night of work I couldn't function and made so many mistakes I thought I was going to lose my job right then and there. Shit, I still feel like my job is in jeopardy; a total of 4 people lost their jobs in the last week, so I'm sweating bullets after last night's performance.
I'm. So. Tired. Of everything. Didn't help that I had to watch My Competition suavely move in on Joan during the Wednesday meeting. Fuck, man. Need sleep. Need to get away....!
BLOG PLAYLIST
"Romancipation" - Musiq Soulchild
"What We Do" - Freeway feat. Jay-Z & Beanie Sigel
"Soulstar" - Musiq Soulchild
"Drive It Like I Stole It" - Apathy
"Right About Now" - Talib Kweli
"Wild For The Night" - Rampage feat. Busta Rhymes
"No Transitory" - Alexisonfire
"Say" - Method Man feat. Lauryn Hill
"Supreme Supreme" - Black Star
"Are We Cuttin'" - Pastor Troy feat. Ms. JadeLabels: church, Joan, playlist, work, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 5:36 PM |
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| Wednesday, February 13, 2008 |
| ENTRY 39: Winter Blank-Outs |
Ever since it came to my attention that my film school dream would be postponed, I've drifted into a listless cycle of monotony. It's gotten to the point where I've started to randomly blank out for up to 5 minutes at a time, then I'll snap back to reality and realize that I'd been whispering the lyrics to some rock song.
In any case, due to this monotonous spell, my emotional high has subsequently expired. I don't know if it's pessimism or realism, but I'm seeing the world through a different set of glasses, and they're definitely not rose-coloured this time around. My confidence in my pursuit of Joan of Arc has all but completely evaporated. I discovered on Sunday that I have competition, and that this competition is very stiff. I'm not much of a fighter when it comes to these kinda things, so thus circumstances don't look so good.
Winter has really hit hard in the last week or so. Last week Thursday we were hit with a ridiculously debilitating snowstorm that pretty much froze the city (pun somewhat intended). Buses were unable to run, and thus I got a day off work (woo hoo!). Overall, a total of almost 30 centimetres (~ 1 ft) of snow fell during that 24 hour period. Yesterday, we were hit with another storm, this one dropping about 15 cm. On top of all that, temperatures have dipped to as low as -30 degrees Celsius, which is the coldest it's been for a while now in Toronto.
I dunno, I kinda feel that everything right now is in winter mode. Nothing is happening, and everything just feels lifeless. I think that's why I've started to blank out every now and then; why pay attention when you know there is nothing worth paying attention to?
BLOG PLAYLIST
"Wicked Ways" - Lord Have Mercy
"Luchini" - Camp Lo
"Pimpin' Life" - Big Black Lincoln
"Vibrant Thing" - Q-Tip
"Womanopoly" - Musiq Soulchild
"Body Language"- Saukrates feat. Choclair
"Terrorist" - RZA feat. Black Knights & Killarmy
"Time Is Right" - Talib Kweli & MadlibLabels: blank out, Joan, playlist, snow, winter |
| finished by Carter @ 3:24 AM |
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| Thursday, January 31, 2008 |
| ENTRY 35: Minor Setback |
So, which is very unlike me, I stuck to my word and "asked" Joan out. As promised, I kept it very casual; I asked her if she had seen such-and-such a movie yet, since I was planning on seeing it later on in the week and was wondering if she wanted to come with. Good? Not good? I need some critique.
Unfortunately for me, she had (would you believe it) just seen the movie the day before, and warned me that it was kinda long, though it did have its good parts. And so, I was left empty-handed. She did, however, thank me for checking...
Minor setback. I don't think she was completely blowing me off...I hope so, anyway. The adventure continues!
BLOG PLAYLIST
"Focus" - Joe Budden
"No Transitory" - Alexisonfire
"Close Edge" - Mos Def
Labels: Joan, playlist |
| finished by Carter @ 8:46 AM |
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| Monday, January 28, 2008 |
| ENTRY 34: Curve-balls! |
It's funny. Before I'd be able to do pretty much a post a day; now I can barely manage one post a week. It's not like I have less to say. On the contrary, my life has been throwing me a lot of curve-balls lately, but dammit these are curve-balls I've been waiting for for quite some time now!
Things have really come along at work, and I've been able to settle down into a nice rhythm. On the other hand, I can't help but feel a bit put off by some dissention that is going on there. There is one guy that I hang out a lot with at work, and unfortunately for a lot of others, he is -- there are no two ways about it -- a bona fide, complete asshole. He is impossibly selfish, grossly opinionated, and offensively libertarian; he really doesn't give a shit who he puts off and when. He will say whatever he wants with complete disregard to who is around. At least twice a night I'll think "Did he really just say that? Am I-- Am I really supposed to respond to that?" So obviously, he isn't that well liked.
So why do I hang around with The Asshole? Well as far as geeks go, he and I are a pair of bananas in the same bunch. We're both HUGE comic book enthusiasts; we bring in our favourite titles and trade 'em up. He's introduced me to Robert Kirkman, who has since become my favourite comic book writer, and his titles (Invincible, Brit, and The Astonishing Wolf-Man) have become instant favourites, as well. On the other hand, I've introduced him to Bendis' Powers, which he enjoys. He has a great idea for a comic, and I'll be helping him out with the writing of it. He has introduced me to Lost, which has since usurped Heroes as my favourite currently running show.
All in all, excluding how we treat people, The Asshole & I have a lot in common. I can deal with him abhorrent behaviour, so I stick around. Plus, we're starting to play Dungeons & Dragons. How cool is that?
Okay don't answer that.
Curve-ball #2. As I mentioned in a previous post, Joan of Arc and I are both "junior" youth leaders in my church, and we work with the main youth leader, who is a SAINT. Anyway, over the weekend I confessed to St. Leader about my feelings for Joan, and to my surprise she was excited and happy! I just wanted to get it out of the way so that things wouldn't end up getting awkward and weird, but turns out St. Leader has been trying to play match-maker with me and Joan for quite a while now! On a long drive back from a workshop, she gave me some advice on what I should do and how I should proceed, and so yeah, I'm going to ask Joan out today. Nothing huge, just a movie thingy, but I'm positive that it'll be a good start.
Joan is just coming off stress leave from work, which really surprised me altogether: Joan stressed and out of sorts? Was that even possible?! I tried to be there for her without seeming too weird; she really appreciated it and it I think it brought us closer. During an outing with our young adult group at Church, she actually sought out body contact (leaning against me, hand on arm, etc.)! So yeah, I hope it'll all work out great.
Seriously, I've never felt this way, to the point where I'm actually consciously pursuing a love interest. It's all still so surreal. Me, fighting for love? Really?
Anyway, the curve-balls are coming fast, I just hope I'll be able to get at least some base hits...!
BLOG PLAYLIST
(a new feature, where I write down the songs I've listened to while typing out this post)
"I'm Sprung" - T-Pain
"Impossible" - Kanye West feat. Twista, Keisha Cole & BJ
"Terrorist" - RZA feat. Black Knights & Killarmy
"Rock Co.Kane Flow" - De La Soul feat. MF DOOM
"Strictly For The Heads" - Irs
"Burning Up (extended remix)" - Faith Evans feat. Missy Elliot & Freeway
"No Transitory" - Alexisonfire (Joan's favourite band!)
"Don't Leave Me Girl" - Blackstreet
"Throw Some D's (remix)" - Kanye West
Labels: comics, D and D, Joan, playlist, work |
| finished by Carter @ 2:15 PM |
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| Tuesday, January 15, 2008 |
| ENTRY 31: The Former |
Not sure where I'm going with this post, but it's been a coupla days so I just thought I should write something.
Well first off, it looks like my school financial problems have all worked out. I submitted my OSAP application, and the estimate showed that I will most likely be fully funded for the program. That means I'll be getting the full $16,800 for the tuition. I will, however, have to pay for the registration fee as well as for books and equipment ($590). My ownly issue now will be how to pay it back. I work overnights, so I don't know how I'll be able to cope with that once I start attending classes full-time. If I don't cut down my hours, I'll be one tired young man. If I do cut down my hours, how the heck will I be able to pay back the student loan? Decisions, decisions.
What else? I talked to Joan of Arc for the first time since before the holidays. Before then, for various reasons, I had been ready to just give up. I wasn't seeing her often enough, and frankly I wasn't quite sure the interest was there. But yeah, I attended church on Sunday, and afterwards she had actively approached me. When she walked by, I (being the dork that I am) nervously started going through my cellphone. After a small pause, she playfully asked who I was calling. I laughed and mumbled something about adding a phone number. Then we started talking.
Wasn't anything climactic, I'll tell you that (don't get too excited). She mentioned how she had had a bad week at work, but we didn't really get into it. My lil' bro was in a hurry to leave, so I departed, and was it just me or did Joan sound a little disappointed as we said our farewells...? Anyway, it was enough to get me to e-mail her. I mentioned that I felt bad that her week went so poorly, and suggested a little bit of escapism with a movie. NO, I DIDN'T ask her out; I merely suggested, since we seem to have similar tastes in movies, that she should check out El Orfanato (The Orphanage). Then I said something about how I hoped her week went a lot better than her last one did.
I wasn't really expecting a response back, so I was kind of surprised when one popped up in my inbox. She mentioned in it that she was happy that I had thought of her, and that she had been thinking about seeing the movie, and would definitely check it out now that I had endorsed it. Kinda taken aback, to say the least. Just being courteous, or should I read between the lines? I'll stick to the former for now.
Wow...long post considering I didn't really know what to write about.Labels: film school, Joan, OSAP |
| finished by Carter @ 6:40 AM |
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| Wednesday, December 12, 2007 |
| ENTRY 16: Cold Christmas |
Yes, it is true. I have forced fate's hand, and in retaliation it has grounded me in Toronto for Christmas. I can't say that I am entirely disappointed, though there is some negativity; this is the first Holiday Season I have spent without my parents, and essentially by myself. It will, in more ways than one, be a cold Christmas.
I have to make the best of the situation, however, so that's what I will strive to do. Since I have the time off anyway, I've started making a list of the things I'll need to accomplish over the Holiday Season:
Buy my parents' Christmas gift: a new refridgerator.Buy some DVDs. I MUST buy Afro Samurai, also thinking about buying/renting Superbad.Christmas dinners: Auntie Norma & Twin M.Hold a Holiday party at my house! Woot Woot!Have a HUGE "Life Day" in two days! Woot Woot!- Try and muster up the courage and tactfully ask Joan of Arc on a date!
- Apply to film school (yeah -- more on that later).
- Ask the Master of Time about some music software (he was supposed to get it for a while ago).
- For God's sake try to get well into Act 2 in James Black Investigations.
I know it doesn't look like much, but DAMN that's quite list. Just re-reading it right now, it looks to me to be quite daunting. If I get 70% of it done I'll be happy. I'll first start by ordering some transcripts from my university and high school. Then I'll make some calls get start solidifying a party date. Woot woot! ***BLOGGER'S EDIT: I'm beginning to strike things off the list as I complete them...1 down, several to go! Labels: Christmas, Joan, Marcus James |
| finished by Carter @ 6:42 AM |
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| Sunday, December 09, 2007 |
| ENTRY 14: "Joan of Arc" According to Tal Bachman |
Well it's officially the end of "my" weekend; I am back at work, taking calls for World Vision (woot woot!). The weekend was actually pretty eventful; I didn't have a "Life Day" per se, but nevertheless a lot of stuff went down. It was undoubtedly a weekend of change.
On Friday the youth group went out to catch that movie This Christmas. We were supposed to be talking about relationships, sex, etc., but AGAIN that discussion got postponed. I'm getting kind of miffed, and I'm not the only one; my fellow junior youth leader (sigh) was also concerned that the important discourse was being left on the backburner several times too many. Both of us understand why this is: our youth co-ordinator is not in the greatest of health, and thus does not have the strength or time to put together such meetings as often as she used to. Thus, we both have decided that it's about time that we both take on more responsibility for the planning of the meetings.
Anyway, we went to see the movie, and I was quite surprised at how much I enjoyed it. Now don't get me wrong it was nowhere near Oscar caliber, but at the same time it wasn't painful to watch. But that's neither here nor there; the highlight of the night was my interaction with the other youth leader. Is it just me, or am I finally getting over my "pedestalization" (my own word) of her? She's an incredible woman, but I'm beginning to think that she's no longer so High Above Me a la Tal Bachman -- no longer out of reach and unattainable, to be adored from afar...though she'll always be my Joan of Arc. Do I actually have a chance?
We had been just chatting in the lobby of the movie theatre, and there were two instances where my whole body got warm and my heart fluttered. The first was when she asked (were her eyes wide with...what?) if I was coming to the 20's & 30's Christmas dinner the next day (I'll get to that eventually). I said of course I was attending, to which she seemed quite pleased. Bam. Lub-dub, Lub-dub, Lub-dub.
The second instance was later when we were just talking about movies. She had mentioned she had seen No Country For Old Men. I have been dying to see that movie for the longest time, and I had expressed this sentiment. In response, she said (while again giving me that strange, wide-eyed look) that she wouldn't mind seeing it again. Bam. Lub-dub, Lub-dub, Lub-dub. I faltered noticeably, even said something along the lines about that being a good idea and how I was thinking about seeing it that night. Unfortunately that crashed-and-burned because the movie was starting at 10 pm...so yeah, no dice.
Jesus, man, I don't know what to think! What the hell, man?!
Next day (Saturday) was the aformentioned Christmas dinner. The 20's and 30's club went to the newly renovated Moxie's at Fairview, which turned out to be quite the swanky place. There was a line-up and everything -- it looked like some eccentric night club. We got in no problem, however, and I have to say that SHE (Joan of Arc) looked stunning. I couldn't look away. I have a feeling that this was noticed by everyone else present. Bah, who the hell cares. I was just so content with her being across the table from me in all her beauty, every so often looking (gazing, maybe?) back at me, smiling, laughing, sharing. Afterward, we both had the take a bus from Don Mills Station, so we walked and talked until her bus came. I erupted in a swooning sigh (yeah, exactly) as I watched her go. Jeez.
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In other news, the "saga" with my co-worker seems to have come to an embarrassingly quick conclusion. After reneging on the bowling + movie, she has quit! I don't know if I'll ever see her again now! Hardy har har. Well, with all this Joan of Arc stuff happening, I have to say I'm not feeling too down about it.Labels: church, Joan, love, movies, weekend, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 3:21 AM |
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| The famous words of Jesus Christ resonate with my person: words impressing me with total, victorious finality. Words that I hope to say down the road. |
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Name: Carter
Home: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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