| Friday, May 30, 2008 |
| ENTRY 52: A Date With Joan |
What a crummy Friday afternoon. The clouds are heavy, it's already rained but it looks like it's only getting started, and here I am inside with nothing to do but make a blog post. I tried to go out earlier today when it was still clear, but ultimately I did not because 1) I was tired and 2) the bright sunlight was hurting my eyes. I think that means that I've officially stayed at my job too long; it has gotten to the point where I have trouble adjusting to sunlight. Christ.
But yeah. I've resigned to the fact that I will never have a date with Joan. It just isn't going to happen. I was feeling really brave and optimistic is morning, and for a good reason, too (I'll tell you why in a bit). So much so that I was like "You know what? Let's just ask her out. She probably likes me, you know". So I asked her out, and she said no. For the second time. Ha.
I'm at a crossroads in my life. The realization has been dawning on me over the last couple of days, so really this was a now or never kinda deal. I'm starting film school June 9th, and I'm REALLY REALLY excited. I was so optimistic over life in general because of how well the orientation to my classes went on Wednesday. The teachers and faculty are great, and already they think I'm a genius and a perfect fit for the school. I've already gotten offers to work on sets with people who have worked with the likes of freakin' Samuel L. Jackson. It's Scott Pilgrim awesome.
I'm at a time where I have no choice but to move forward in everything that I do. Combined with all the shit that's been happening at my church, I figure it's time to let go of all the crap I've been holding on to for simply nostalgic reasons, and forge onward with what my life should really look like. So I asked Joan out, because she was something I thought would be a big part of my real life. Apparently not.
I'm excited, but sad at the same time. I'll have to let go of church (too stressful and not worth it) and Joan, because I really need to move on. It's just wasn't healthy anymore! Can't wait until June 9th, though....it's gonna be epic!Labels: church, film school, Joan |
finished by Carter @ 6:17 PM   |
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| Saturday, May 24, 2008 |
| ENTRY 51: Strange Times |
Before anybody asks, no the title of this entry is NOT a reference to Marvel's Master of the Mystics. Hardy har har....sorry, I couldn't resist!
If you have been reading up, then you'll know that I'm referring to the craziness happening at my church right now, and as I had predicted in my last post, things have gotten a heckuva lot worse. The situation has exploded; it's being talked about all over the diocese of Toronto, the bishops are furious, and -- get this -- even the police have been called in. It is absolutely insane.
But that's all I can really say about that situation; a gag order has been issued on all parishioners and participants in the various incidents that have recently transpired. Yeah, ridiculous, is it not?Labels: church, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 5:23 AM |
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| Monday, May 12, 2008 |
| THE 50TH ENTRY |
Wow it's been a couple of months since my last post. I hadn't forgotten about this little blog, but it was the 50th post; I wanted to make sure I had something BIG to write about, something that was 50th post worthy.
Turned out the BIG EVENT wasn't exactly what I was hoping for (i.e. date with Joan); in fact, it wasn't anything positive at all. The youth group leader at my church was booted by the priest-in-charge and the wardens.
Let me rewind a bit, see if I can fill in some back story. As I mentioned before, I was a junior youth leader at my church in Scarborough. Joan and I worked with the Youth Group Leader to provide activities and programs for youth from the church and the surrounding community. Over the years our group has grown very close, to the point where we all regard the YGL as a second mother, and likewise she regards all of us as her children.
Over the past year or so, the YGL's health had begun to deteriorate. She had been working 60+ hour weeks and not eating right, and developed Type II diabetes, high blood pressure, and a lot of other bad stuff. Youth group meetings started being postponed or just outright canceled, much to the chagrin of the youth. But we assumed that it was because of the YGL's health, so we understood. It was only later that the YGL divulged to us that these cancellations were because the wardens had refused to release funds that had been promised to us in the yearly budget. From then on things began going downhill. The feud between the YGL and the Powers That Be (that's what I call the wardens + the priest) swelled to ridiculous proportions, and Joan and I got stuck in the middle trying to mediate it all.
It was a stressful time, and my own health began to suffer. I started getting really sick on a regular basis, sometimes unable to keep anything down for days. It was absolutely ridiculous. Anyway, up to maybe a week ago, things seemed to be going relatively smoothly; you can say that there was the atmosphere of a ceasefire. Then out of the blue I receive a call from the priest informing me that the YGL has been removed. No explanation as to why, just that it happened.
Things have been crazy since then. The youth have been up in arms, the YGL has been up in arms...and me? I'm tired. I quit all my positions in the church (youth group leader, parish council, communications team, server's guild, transition committee, church school teacher, etc....yeah there were quite a few) much to the shock of the Powers That Be, since they were going to ask me to take over as Youth Group Leader.
But yeah, things are only going to get worse, I imagine. The Powers That Be had been trying to keep everything hush-hush, but the YGL started handing out packages detailing abusive correspondence, and the youth are setting up petitions. And I just want things to end. Strange times, I tells ya, strange times.Labels: church, Joan, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 5:17 PM |
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| Thursday, February 21, 2008 |
| ENTRY 42: Burn-out |
Okay, so today is Thursday, and I can't think of any other time where I was this happy for Friday to be right around the corner. Usually the third week in a month is hectic with meetings and such, but this month has been just ridiculous!
Problems started on Sunday with the annual Vestry meeting after church. It was so freakin' crazy that I took me a couple of days to fully comprehend everything that happened, hence why I haven't blogged about it yet. Thing is that there's been a heckuva lot of fallout from the meeting, and I'm still trying to do clean-up as we speak. Overall, the experience has been incredibly draining.
If that was the only thing that had happened this week, I would have been able to manage (just barely, but I could've done it). However, I had another meeting on Tuesday, and another one at Wednesday, both of which were also church-related. And in both cases, the events of Vestry inevitably arose in conversation, and tempers flared. And here I am, lucky me, caught right in the middle. It's freakin' church; I don't want to take sides -- that's not what church is supposed to be all about. Instead I have the almost impossible task of trying to keep everyone appeased while trying to solve the larger issue almost single-handedly. Fun!
Along the way, I kind of forgot to sleep: I haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep since Sunday. Last night of work I couldn't function and made so many mistakes I thought I was going to lose my job right then and there. Shit, I still feel like my job is in jeopardy; a total of 4 people lost their jobs in the last week, so I'm sweating bullets after last night's performance.
I'm. So. Tired. Of everything. Didn't help that I had to watch My Competition suavely move in on Joan during the Wednesday meeting. Fuck, man. Need sleep. Need to get away....!
BLOG PLAYLIST
"Romancipation" - Musiq Soulchild
"What We Do" - Freeway feat. Jay-Z & Beanie Sigel
"Soulstar" - Musiq Soulchild
"Drive It Like I Stole It" - Apathy
"Right About Now" - Talib Kweli
"Wild For The Night" - Rampage feat. Busta Rhymes
"No Transitory" - Alexisonfire
"Say" - Method Man feat. Lauryn Hill
"Supreme Supreme" - Black Star
"Are We Cuttin'" - Pastor Troy feat. Ms. JadeLabels: church, Joan, playlist, work, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 5:36 PM |
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| Sunday, December 09, 2007 |
| ENTRY 14: "Joan of Arc" According to Tal Bachman |
Well it's officially the end of "my" weekend; I am back at work, taking calls for World Vision (woot woot!). The weekend was actually pretty eventful; I didn't have a "Life Day" per se, but nevertheless a lot of stuff went down. It was undoubtedly a weekend of change.
On Friday the youth group went out to catch that movie This Christmas. We were supposed to be talking about relationships, sex, etc., but AGAIN that discussion got postponed. I'm getting kind of miffed, and I'm not the only one; my fellow junior youth leader (sigh) was also concerned that the important discourse was being left on the backburner several times too many. Both of us understand why this is: our youth co-ordinator is not in the greatest of health, and thus does not have the strength or time to put together such meetings as often as she used to. Thus, we both have decided that it's about time that we both take on more responsibility for the planning of the meetings.
Anyway, we went to see the movie, and I was quite surprised at how much I enjoyed it. Now don't get me wrong it was nowhere near Oscar caliber, but at the same time it wasn't painful to watch. But that's neither here nor there; the highlight of the night was my interaction with the other youth leader. Is it just me, or am I finally getting over my "pedestalization" (my own word) of her? She's an incredible woman, but I'm beginning to think that she's no longer so High Above Me a la Tal Bachman -- no longer out of reach and unattainable, to be adored from afar...though she'll always be my Joan of Arc. Do I actually have a chance?
We had been just chatting in the lobby of the movie theatre, and there were two instances where my whole body got warm and my heart fluttered. The first was when she asked (were her eyes wide with...what?) if I was coming to the 20's & 30's Christmas dinner the next day (I'll get to that eventually). I said of course I was attending, to which she seemed quite pleased. Bam. Lub-dub, Lub-dub, Lub-dub.
The second instance was later when we were just talking about movies. She had mentioned she had seen No Country For Old Men. I have been dying to see that movie for the longest time, and I had expressed this sentiment. In response, she said (while again giving me that strange, wide-eyed look) that she wouldn't mind seeing it again. Bam. Lub-dub, Lub-dub, Lub-dub. I faltered noticeably, even said something along the lines about that being a good idea and how I was thinking about seeing it that night. Unfortunately that crashed-and-burned because the movie was starting at 10 pm...so yeah, no dice.
Jesus, man, I don't know what to think! What the hell, man?!
Next day (Saturday) was the aformentioned Christmas dinner. The 20's and 30's club went to the newly renovated Moxie's at Fairview, which turned out to be quite the swanky place. There was a line-up and everything -- it looked like some eccentric night club. We got in no problem, however, and I have to say that SHE (Joan of Arc) looked stunning. I couldn't look away. I have a feeling that this was noticed by everyone else present. Bah, who the hell cares. I was just so content with her being across the table from me in all her beauty, every so often looking (gazing, maybe?) back at me, smiling, laughing, sharing. Afterward, we both had the take a bus from Don Mills Station, so we walked and talked until her bus came. I erupted in a swooning sigh (yeah, exactly) as I watched her go. Jeez.
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In other news, the "saga" with my co-worker seems to have come to an embarrassingly quick conclusion. After reneging on the bowling + movie, she has quit! I don't know if I'll ever see her again now! Hardy har har. Well, with all this Joan of Arc stuff happening, I have to say I'm not feeling too down about it.Labels: church, Joan, love, movies, weekend, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 3:21 AM |
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| Wednesday, December 05, 2007 |
| ENTRY 11: Rest in Peace |
Hmm. Did I sound a little jaded at the end of my previous post? Maybe a little bit of sour grapes? Yeah, I guess -- because that's exactly how I feel. It just strikes me as odd that my parents would plan a Christmas vacation without informing me. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.
Am I hurt? Slightly. But I have to admit that I'm a little excited, too! I'll have the whole house to myself for the holidays. That can make things pretty interesting...my "Life Days" can now fully be life days since I won't have to worry about getting home for 2 a.m. (woo!) All the same, it's going to be weird spending Christmas without the fam (though I will be attending Christmas dinner with my Auntie N). We'll see how that goes.
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I didn't get much sleep today; I was on duty at the funeral of Frank Daley at my church, the St. Andrew Anglican Church of Scarborough. There were over 300 people in attendance, and the sheer intensity of emotion that saturated the air had me incredibly humbled; I could feel that what I was sensing was only the tip of an unfathomably immense iceberg. I could hardly imagine that one man had had such a deep, positive impact on so many lives. Though I didn't know the man at all (I had only seen him around the church every now and then) I found that I was proud of him and all of his many accomplishments. I paid my own personal respects after the service, standing before his parish photo of him and his wife for a good minutewhile people bustled to and fro.Labels: church, family, funeral, parents |
| finished by Carter @ 3:41 AM |
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| Monday, December 03, 2007 |
| ENTRY 9: Lovely Weather |
The date was December 2nd, 2007 when winter decided to joyously sweep into existence. The snow started coming down in white sheets late Saturday night, and by 7 am Sunday morning the streets had been victimized. It usually takes me about half-an-hour to get home on a Sunday morning from work.
In this wonderful winter wonderland, however, it took me TWO HOURS.
It seems that the great minds at TTC don't check the weather reports from day to day, and had no idea that we were going to be hit with the white stuff. Buses on all routes were in total disarray; even along Don Mills Road, buses were running at least 1.5 hours behind schedule. And on top of all that, Yours Truly was lucky enough to get on the one bus that decided to "short turn" (ie. go out of service prematurely) well before my stop. As a result, Yours Truly was forced to wait for another hour for the next bus.
And if it couldn't get any worse, Your Favourite Blogger had thought it would be fun to get into a semi-snow battle with two of his co-workers beforehand. As a result, my measly gloves -- and consequently my hands -- were quite damp and cold. Standing around in the cold for two hours just made things oh so much better! By the time I got home (9:15 am) I was in quite a foul mood, and in no state to attend church that morning. And so, since I hadn't slept since 7:30 am the previous morning, I dropped into my bed and was almost instantly dead to the world.
That could have turned out to be a really bad idea; that night I was scheduled to perform a skit with other members of the youth group. We had yet to practice, and we had planned on practicing at church that morning. Luckily, I was able to get to church that evening well beforehand and we were able to get in several good run-throughs. The resulting performance was very successful. The Carter Carol Party Skit Tradition continues!Labels: buses, carol, church, skit, snow, TTC, weather |
| finished by Carter @ 12:02 AM |
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| Thursday, November 29, 2007 |
| ENTRY 6: Here Comes My Weekend |
You ever get the feeling that things are going to go unconventionally better than usual? As the clock here at work continues to tick towards 7:00 am, strangely I am experiencing a cautiously growing feeling of excitment and euphoria. I know it sounds like some literary exaggeration, but it isn't; I actually feel euphoric. For the life of me, I couldn't provide you with a satisfactory explanation as to why. Is there anything special planned for tomorrow? Hardly.
I was searching through craigslist yesterday (a GREAT site, btw -- you can find ANYTHING on that thing), and I discovered a whole new section: "gigs". At the end of my scouting, I had a couple of ads that seriously needed responding to. One was a talent agency looking for new acts, and the other was a distribution company looking for albums to press. I will be contacting both of these sources for obvious reasons. Yet another ad was looking for talent to perform (for free, albeit) at a small student bar/club on Wednesday nights. Something to consider. Will anything come of all this? I don't know, but I certainly hope so! Can't get the hopes up too high, I guess.
I've started to seriously shop for a laptop that would work for me. I really don't need anything top-of-the-line, that's for sure -- just something that would work for my screenwriting, blogging, and multimedia needs. I have over $1000 saved, so it won't be a problem to buy one.
I'm still very apprehensive over the imminent youth group meeting at my church. I have, however, thought long and hard over what I can say, and I've solidified my philosophy. I'll make sure to chronicle how it goes during the aftermath.Labels: church, craigslist, gigs, laptop, weekend, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 6:22 AM |
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| Sunday, November 25, 2007 |
| ENTRY 4: Sex/Love Prequel |
It's the beginning of another week; more overnights at work, more mornings and early afternoons buried beneath my bedsheets. But as the week begins I am already regarding its end with a mixture of feelings I have yet to fully sort through. I am currently acting as one of the two junior youth leaders for my church's youth group, and on Friday we have planned a session to discuss love, sex, and relationships. For the most part, I have become something of a role model to many of the church's youth, a duty that I fully embrace. However, when it comes to the topics to be covered in the imminent session, being a role model is a duty I am not sure I can comfortably fulfill.
Love, sex, and romantic relationships are things I have seriously struggled with throughout my life. I have dated, but each time the relationships have been embarrassingly brief and depressingly empty, to say the least; the dates I have partaked in I did so only for the sake of dating, and all in all my heart had not been in it. I have experienced love, but only in its most unfilling of articulations: unrequited. I am not sure how, but somehow I have been conditioned to have an acute, immense fear of rejection, and thus have been kept from pursuing attractions; I have continued to love from afar for 23 years.
I have a certain naïveté pertaining to women, as well; it has kept me from fully understanding individuals' motives and intentions, and thus many an opportunity has callously passed me by. Don't get me wrong, I am no victim; my naïveté has also caused a lot of harm, too (if you have seen some of my previous blogs you'll know what I'm talking about).
Overall I am far from being a role model when it comes to this loaded subject. I can give a lot of theoretical advice, but when it comes to practical applications, I am effectively clueless. Should I start making notes for Friday or something? It only makes things more complicated that the object of my affection, for better or for worse, just happens to be the other junior youth leader. It's going to hard to talk about crushes, attraction, and relationships in front of the very woman you want to experience it all with. It isn't quite irony, but it still really sucks.
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In other news, I haven't been able to check my e-mail for a couple of days, so I don't know if I've recieved a response from the Toronto Film School. The apprehension is building; it is palpable!Labels: church, film school, love, relationships, sex, youth group |
| finished by Carter @ 11:59 PM |
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| The famous words of Jesus Christ resonate with my person: words impressing me with total, victorious finality. Words that I hope to say down the road. |
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Name: Carter
Home: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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