"...it is finished..." -- John 19:30

ENTRY 53: My First Class is in Less Than 8 Hours

2008-06-09T07:55:00.002-04:00

I'm so excited!

I don't know if I'll be able to get any sleep right now. I'm here sitting on my bed ready to get some shut-eye; I feel tired, but at the same time I'm wide awake. I can't help but wonder what my first class at film school is going to be like. Will it be everything I was hoping for, or will it be a total bust?

Crap...just realized I have a meeting at 11:30 with the financial advisor. Looks like I won't be getting much sleep then! Bleh.

I'll report back with how it goes!

ENTRY 52: A Date With Joan

2008-05-30T18:17:00.003-04:00

What a crummy Friday afternoon. The clouds are heavy, it's already rained but it looks like it's only getting started, and here I am inside with nothing to do but make a blog post. I tried to go out earlier today when it was still clear, but ultimately I did not because 1) I was tired and 2) the bright sunlight was hurting my eyes. I think that means that I've officially stayed at my job too long; it has gotten to the point where I have trouble adjusting to sunlight. Christ.

But yeah. I've resigned to the fact that I will never have a date with Joan. It just isn't going to happen. I was feeling really brave and optimistic is morning, and for a good reason, too (I'll tell you why in a bit). So much so that I was like "You know what? Let's just ask her out. She probably likes me, you know". So I asked her out, and she said no. For the second time. Ha.

I'm at a crossroads in my life. The realization has been dawning on me over the last couple of days, so really this was a now or never kinda deal. I'm starting film school June 9th, and I'm REALLY REALLY excited. I was so optimistic over life in general because of how well the orientation to my classes went on Wednesday. The teachers and faculty are great, and already they think I'm a genius and a perfect fit for the school. I've already gotten offers to work on sets with people who have worked with the likes of freakin' Samuel L. Jackson. It's Scott Pilgrim awesome.

I'm at a time where I have no choice but to move forward in everything that I do. Combined with all the shit that's been happening at my church, I figure it's time to let go of all the crap I've been holding on to for simply nostalgic reasons, and forge onward with what my life should really look like. So I asked Joan out, because she was something I thought would be a big part of my real life. Apparently not.

I'm excited, but sad at the same time. I'll have to let go of church (too stressful and not worth it) and Joan, because I really need to move on. It's just wasn't healthy anymore! Can't wait until June 9th, though....it's gonna be epic!

ENTRY 51: Strange Times

2008-05-24T05:23:00.005-04:00

Before anybody asks, no the title of this entry is NOT a reference to Marvel's Master of the Mystics. Hardy har har....sorry, I couldn't resist!

If you have been reading up, then you'll know that I'm referring to the craziness happening at my church right now, and as I had predicted in my last post, things have gotten a heckuva lot worse. The situation has exploded; it's being talked about all over the diocese of Toronto, the bishops are furious, and -- get this -- even the police have been called in. It is absolutely insane.

But that's all I can really say about that situation; a gag order has been issued on all parishioners and participants in the various incidents that have recently transpired. Yeah, ridiculous, is it not?

THE 50TH ENTRY

2008-05-12T17:17:00.005-04:00

Wow it's been a couple of months since my last post. I hadn't forgotten about this little blog, but it was the 50th post; I wanted to make sure I had something BIG to write about, something that was 50th post worthy.

Turned out the BIG EVENT wasn't exactly what I was hoping for (i.e. date with Joan); in fact, it wasn't anything positive at all. The youth group leader at my church was booted by the priest-in-charge and the wardens.

Let me rewind a bit, see if I can fill in some back story. As I mentioned before, I was a junior youth leader at my church in Scarborough. Joan and I worked with the Youth Group Leader to provide activities and programs for youth from the church and the surrounding community. Over the years our group has grown very close, to the point where we all regard the YGL as a second mother, and likewise she regards all of us as her children.

Over the past year or so, the YGL's health had begun to deteriorate. She had been working 60+ hour weeks and not eating right, and developed Type II diabetes, high blood pressure, and a lot of other bad stuff. Youth group meetings started being postponed or just outright canceled, much to the chagrin of the youth. But we assumed that it was because of the YGL's health, so we understood. It was only later that the YGL divulged to us that these cancellations were because the wardens had refused to release funds that had been promised to us in the yearly budget. From then on things began going downhill. The feud between the YGL and the Powers That Be (that's what I call the wardens + the priest) swelled to ridiculous proportions, and Joan and I got stuck in the middle trying to mediate it all.

It was a stressful time, and my own health began to suffer. I started getting really sick on a regular basis, sometimes unable to keep anything down for days. It was absolutely ridiculous. Anyway, up to maybe a week ago, things seemed to be going relatively smoothly; you can say that there was the atmosphere of a ceasefire. Then out of the blue I receive a call from the priest informing me that the YGL has been removed. No explanation as to why, just that it happened.

Things have been crazy since then. The youth have been up in arms, the YGL has been up in arms...and me? I'm tired. I quit all my positions in the church (youth group leader, parish council, communications team, server's guild, transition committee, church school teacher, etc....yeah there were quite a few) much to the shock of the Powers That Be, since they were going to ask me to take over as Youth Group Leader.

But yeah, things are only going to get worse, I imagine. The Powers That Be had been trying to keep everything hush-hush, but the YGL started handing out packages detailing abusive correspondence, and the youth are setting up petitions. And I just want things to end. Strange times, I tells ya, strange times.

ENTRY 49: Holy Snow!!!

2008-03-09T09:49:00.005-04:00

Welcome to spring, everyone! It's been a quite a winter. Tell you the truth, I've had enough of winter, thank you very much...!

But it seems winter isn't done with us here in Toronto. In the last 24 hours, we've had to shovel the driveway 3 times; collectively I'd estimate that about 40 cm has fallen. The banks on either side of our driveway are at least 10 feet high. It's absolutely ridiculous.

I was supposed to have a party-filled weekend, but because of the weather most of them got canceled.

I really hope this is it. We haven't had this much snow in years, and I was starting to get used to the tranquil winters. We've been blasted by city-crippling blizzards, and it's getting a little old. Enough already!

BLOG PLAYLIST
"Frank Sinatra" - Cake (a GREAT song...a co-worker introduced me to it and I love it)
"Star Wars" - Nas (another awesome song...great lyrics...I need to listen to it more often)
"Hey There Delilah" - Plain White T's

ENTRY 48: Make Up Your Mind

2008-03-04T21:46:00.003-05:00

Quick post; have to rant a little bit before I head off to work.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It was surprisingly warm (12 degrees Celsius, which is unheard of in early March nowadays), all the ice and snow was melting finally, even the birds were out singing, a sure sign that spring was finally beginning to rear its wonderful head.

I wake up from my "mid-day" nap (meaning I woke up at 8:45 pm), took a shower, lamented at another game lossed by my beloved Raptors, and look out the window. It's snowing that crazy. I scream in terror, and my mom goes: "What, you didn't watch the news? There's gonna be a huuuge snowstorm tonight. Freezing rain, too!"

Why? Why can't it all just be OVERRRRR?!

ENTRY 47: Dungeons & Dragons Wrap-Up I

2008-03-04T15:00:00.003-05:00

In the middle of "breakfast" at 3:00 pm...lol gotta love working overnights! Just need to add this before I get started: utorrent kicks some serious ASS! I've downloaded several movies, the whole first season of Dexter (RIDICULOUS show btw), a mind-boggling amount of comic book issues, and now I'm downloading the complete series of Deathnote. Not sure how good that show is, but I've caught a few episodes and it intrigues me.

Anyway, back the the Ultimate Game (lol it really isn't the ultimate game, but it's a sweet name). We're playing again today, so I'd thought I'd give a "brief" overview of what has transpired up to this point. We've just completed our first dungeon, which we happened upon while seeking shelter from an oncoming murderous storm (lots of lightning and hail and hurricane winds and shit). Turns out that the overhang that we found was actually an opening to an underground bugbear lair (definition: bugbears are distantly related to orcs. They are generally bigger, meaner, and more feral).

There was initially a lot of dissenting within the group; The Asshole's character, Argyle Houndtooth (get it?), decided to sneak up on Oxx and the other guy's character (can't remember his name, but he's an elven druid) after we found the lair, put his sword to our throats and kick us out. This is after Oxx and Druid fought of 8 giant rats -- Oxx killed seven of them lol. He then went to sleep and was ambushed by two bugbears. Served him right, the douche.

Lucky for him (VERY lucky for him) he managed to kill both bugbears, though he was mortally wounded. He came out to rest and hopefully get healed by the druid, who pretty much just gave him the finger. After he fell asleep, Oxx and the druid decided to go in and check out the rest of the lair. We quickly stumbled upon the "boss" of the dungeon, a heavily armored zombie bugbear warrior. The druid made the mistake of walking into the room first, and unfortunately got a spear through the chest (LMAOOOO!!!). As he lay on the floor dying, Oxx went one-on-one with the brute. Oxx was at a severe disadvantage; he only had 13 hp while the monster had close to 50. Nonetheless, Oxx was cleaving up the motherfucker, shaving a good 25 hp off before getting a morning star to the face. Severely wounded and disoriented, Oxx let out a war cry and kept on truckin'.

As intended, the war cry woke up Argyle Houndstooth, who rushed in and provided back-up with his trusty bow-and-arrows (he's a ranger). The zombie was soon done. Both Argyle and Oxx then tended to the almost-dead druid and were able to patch him up. We were all severely wounded, so we rested up for 8+ hours to regain our health and strength.

Once that was done, we then decided to explore the rest of the dungeon, this time with me in the front. I promptly ran into the web of a giant spider, but before it could reach me, the druid cut me loose, and I dispatched the vermin in one hit. Word. Cut the biatch in half. Further exploring revealed several treasures, which I divvied out, but not much more. Satisfied, we set out for the nearest town.

That's where we left off! What the town will bring, only the DM knows! Keep you posted!

ENTRY 46: I Should Be Sleeping

2008-03-02T03:58:00.002-05:00

It's 4 o'clock in the morning, and I can't sleep. I've got a small headache, too, so I really shouldn't be staring at a computer screen. I can't help it, though; I need something that'll help ease the mind a little.

I woke up around 3 o'clock and my mind was racing. Everything was trying to garner my full attention all at the same time. I felt like pulling my hair out, I was so frustrated. Why can't I just sleep? Why do I have to have all these thoughts cropping up now, of all times? I don't want to be thinking about the war that's going on in my church, and there are better times to think about Joan that in the middle of the night when all you want to do is sleep.

Of course my thoughts are eventually going to turn to her. Joan wins out every time. Have you ever gone through instances in your head, and tried to work out how said instances could have gone differently, in such a way that you would have gotten a big Hollywood dramatic kiss at the end of it? Or is that just me being pathetic and lonely? LOL

Bah! I can't even watch any of the Dexter episodes I downloaded because the rest of the fam is asleep. This bites!

ENTRY 45: Crash

2008-02-29T19:44:00.002-05:00

I had gone to Town Center Montessori to pick up my lil' bro Big M, only he wasn't there; it was the date of the big basketball tournament at some other school and nobody had thought to tell me. Peeved, since I had driven all the way there in horrible weather conditions, I left.

Minutes after leaving the school, the back wheels of my parents' Buick Rendezvous lose traction and I start sliding to the left into oncoming traffic. I turn the steering wheel slightly to the right, like they teach you in driving school, but the car keeps sliding left. Instantly, before I realize, I panic and jerk the wheel hard all the way to the right. Now the car decides to respond, and spins sharply to the right and off the road. The front slams into a tree and a hit my head on the driver side window. An old Destiny's Child song bumps through the speakers.

I sit there in disbelief as the song continues to play. Without getting out I know that there's going to be damage; it was a hard collision. One car passes me. Then another. The next one slows, but ultimately decides not to stop. I get out of the car and groan: there's a gigantic dent in the side of the car, right between the driver's door and the front wheel. It's a nasty one.

For some reason I had decided to leave my cellphone at home.

To shaken and emotionally crushed to even curse, I get back into the car, bust a three-point turn and drive home. The steering is off; I have to turn the wheel almost 90 degrees to the right just to keep driving straight.

I get home and tell dad, who's been sick all week with the flu, literally bed-ridden. He comes out and checks the damage. He laments, but overall does a good job of not eating my head off. All the same, I break down and cry; the guilt is too much. The last thing he had told me before I left home was to be careful, and I go and crash the car. A disappointment, a let-down. I weep, and for the first time in m life, my dad comes over and hugs me and comforts me while I stood there crying. I want to say that I'm sorry. For the car, but more importantly for not becoming the successful son he thought I was going to be, the big-time biochemist working on a cure for cancer -- not some dude working the graveyard shift at a call center. That's where most of the guilt is coming from. I want to apologize for this most of all, but I'm crying to hard to speak. I hold my dad fiercely, desperately as I cry into his coat.

I eventually gather myself and mumble something about going to the bank. I walk 30 min in the blizzard and withdraw almost my entire savings. The teller probably thought I stole the bank card from Mr. Carter and was jacking him for all he was worth. I didn't care. I put the money in an envelope and walk the 30 minutes back home. When I get back, my dad isn't home, but my mom is; I give the $1200 to her and explain to her why I'm doing it. She turns to ice. I go and fix the wireless network.

Well, at least I have the next episode of Lost to distract me.

ENTRY 44: Dungeons & Drangons Premiere

2008-02-27T08:05:00.002-05:00

So today was FINALLY the first day of Dungeons & Dragons play, and I really didn't know what to expect. I had no idea how to play and how things were to proceed. I basically was going in blind and operating on faith. Overall, it was a fresh, exciting experience, more so than I had believed possible. We really got into it. My character is a 6'5", 260-lb half-orc tank named Oxx. He's been enslaved by a village his entire life (16 years) and has just fought back and slaughtered practically the entire town. I'd get into the story, but it'd take forever....maybe some other time. :P

We've played twice this week and already Oxx is kick-ass. His scythe deals out a ridiculous amount of damage, and his strength is off the charts, baby! Lovin' it.

We won't be playing again until next week, since not everyone will be in the office at the same time until Tuesday night. Just as well; we've just completed our first dungeon and are on our way to the closest village. Our dungeon master hadn't set that up yet, so it's good that he'll have several days in order to do that.

Kevin, you would LOVE this game LOL

ENTRY 43: The Week Ends

2008-02-25T08:00:00.006-05:00

I just want to say right off the bat that I apologize if every one of my posts ends up being about Joan of Arc. It's just that right now she seems to be such an important part of my life, though I highly doubt that she knows it. I wouldn't be surprised if I was in love with her. I definitely know that I want to be in love with her.

Anyway, the week that was came to a satisfyingly relaxing conclusion yesterday, which was great. On Friday we had a youth group meeting, where the youth were able to vent over the recent trials and tribulations that we all have been caught up in within our church. Without getting into it, the fact is that there is a war going on within our parish. Surprising at it may sound, it is fact, and it scares me and depresses me that this shit can be going on in the house of God, you know? We should all be getting along, but instead such bitterness, animosity, and hatred can flow between different parties. Joan and I had already decided between the two of us that we wouldn't take sides and try to be mediators, but in doing so both sides think that we are against them. It's hard being in the middle.

It was primarily why I was so tired this week; I was exhausted with all the fighting. At the end of the youth group meeting, we were able to talk briefly about relationships (which is actually what we were supposed to talk about that evening lol), and Joan got really excited that her and I had so much in common when it came to what we wanted in , and what we brought to, a relationship. Pretty awesome, but again I had no idea how to take advantage of the situation. I know, I know....I seriously need help!

I needed to blow off some steam, so on Saturday I finally was able to reach what had become my regular weekend chill spot, Smokey Joe's. I hadn't got on a dance floor in months, and for a second I thought that I had lost my rhythm. Lucky for me, I hadn't and I danced the night away. A lot of my Smokey Joe friends were there, so it was a blast! I was able to sleep for most of the day Sunday for a change, and I was able to go to work refreshed! A big change from last week.

All in all, things are looking up I guess, so I hope they just continue to improve.

BLOG PLAYLIST
"Diary" - Alicia Keys feat. Tony Toni Tone
"Presidential MC" - Method Man feat. Raekwon & RZA
"Snow (Hey Oh)" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
"If I Ever Fall in Love Again (a capella)" - Shai
"Find Out" - Classified

ENTRY 42: Burn-out

2008-02-21T17:36:00.004-05:00

Okay, so today is Thursday, and I can't think of any other time where I was this happy for Friday to be right around the corner. Usually the third week in a month is hectic with meetings and such, but this month has been just ridiculous!

Problems started on Sunday with the annual Vestry meeting after church. It was so freakin' crazy that I took me a couple of days to fully comprehend everything that happened, hence why I haven't blogged about it yet. Thing is that there's been a heckuva lot of fallout from the meeting, and I'm still trying to do clean-up as we speak. Overall, the experience has been incredibly draining.

If that was the only thing that had happened this week, I would have been able to manage (just barely, but I could've done it). However, I had another meeting on Tuesday, and another one at Wednesday, both of which were also church-related. And in both cases, the events of Vestry inevitably arose in conversation, and tempers flared. And here I am, lucky me, caught right in the middle. It's freakin' church; I don't want to take sides -- that's not what church is supposed to be all about. Instead I have the almost impossible task of trying to keep everyone appeased while trying to solve the larger issue almost single-handedly. Fun!

Along the way, I kind of forgot to sleep: I haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep since Sunday. Last night of work I couldn't function and made so many mistakes I thought I was going to lose my job right then and there. Shit, I still feel like my job is in jeopardy; a total of 4 people lost their jobs in the last week, so I'm sweating bullets after last night's performance.

I'm. So. Tired. Of everything. Didn't help that I had to watch My Competition suavely move in on Joan during the Wednesday meeting. Fuck, man. Need sleep. Need to get away....!

BLOG PLAYLIST
"Romancipation" - Musiq Soulchild
"What We Do" - Freeway feat. Jay-Z & Beanie Sigel
"Soulstar" - Musiq Soulchild
"Drive It Like I Stole It" - Apathy
"Right About Now" - Talib Kweli
"Wild For The Night" - Rampage feat. Busta Rhymes
"No Transitory" - Alexisonfire
"Say" - Method Man feat. Lauryn Hill
"Supreme Supreme" - Black Star
"Are We Cuttin'" - Pastor Troy feat. Ms. Jade

ENTRY 41: Rusty Reason

2008-02-18T08:11:00.003-05:00

I have the bad luck of being interested in too many things, and a person can really only focus on a few things at once. As such, I tend to rotate the activities and hobbies I partake in every year or so. Right now, it's screenwriting and movies in general, as well as youth group.

Recently, however, I've started to delve back into one of my other major hobbies: music. It started when I was approached by a few of my co-workers who also are musicians, suggesting that we all put our heads together and collaborate for some awesome stuff. I was all in, but the truth is that I haven't touched my music in over a year. I completed an album back in November of 2006 and haven't really done anything since. I had lost my music program when we re-formated our computer and since I didn't have any way to regain it, I turned my attentions elsewhere.

Well, thanks to my new, ridiculously awesome E500, I was able to get my hands on the program again: Propellerhead Reason 4.0. Now I had used version 3.0 in the past, so I was excited to see what this new version brought to the table. Imagine how dismayed I was when I realized how much of an effect one year of standing on the sidelines can have. Not only have I not done any production in over a year, but I haven't done any song-writing in that span of time as well. As a result, I'm EXTREMELY rusty -- so far my attempts at both have been laughable, and frankly very embarrassing. I just hope I can get to the level I had been at when I stopped...!

In any case, I'm very very very excited!

P.S. This doesn't mean screenwriting and film school is going to the back burner; I'm still actively writing both scripts I'm working on at the moment :) yay!

BLOG PLAYLIST
"Where You Gonna Run" - Talib Kweli & Jean Grae
"What Happened to that Boy" - Baby feat. The Clipse
"Whereareyougoing" - Musiq Soulchild

ENTRY 40: Video Blog #2

2008-02-15T10:32:00.004-05:00

Bad thing about this is that it takes soooo long to upload. Have to find a way to compress the file so that it wouldn't take as long :P

ENTRY 39: Winter Blank-Outs

2008-02-13T03:24:00.005-05:00

Ever since it came to my attention that my film school dream would be postponed, I've drifted into a listless cycle of monotony. It's gotten to the point where I've started to randomly blank out for up to 5 minutes at a time, then I'll snap back to reality and realize that I'd been whispering the lyrics to some rock song.

In any case, due to this monotonous spell, my emotional high has subsequently expired. I don't know if it's pessimism or realism, but I'm seeing the world through a different set of glasses, and they're definitely not rose-coloured this time around. My confidence in my pursuit of Joan of Arc has all but completely evaporated. I discovered on Sunday that I have competition, and that this competition is very stiff. I'm not much of a fighter when it comes to these kinda things, so thus circumstances don't look so good.

Winter has really hit hard in the last week or so. Last week Thursday we were hit with a ridiculously debilitating snowstorm that pretty much froze the city (pun somewhat intended). Buses were unable to run, and thus I got a day off work (woo hoo!). Overall, a total of almost 30 centimetres (~ 1 ft) of snow fell during that 24 hour period. Yesterday, we were hit with another storm, this one dropping about 15 cm. On top of all that, temperatures have dipped to as low as -30 degrees Celsius, which is the coldest it's been for a while now in Toronto.

I dunno, I kinda feel that everything right now is in winter mode. Nothing is happening, and everything just feels lifeless. I think that's why I've started to blank out every now and then; why pay attention when you know there is nothing worth paying attention to?

BLOG PLAYLIST
"Wicked Ways" - Lord Have Mercy
"Luchini" - Camp Lo
"Pimpin' Life" - Big Black Lincoln
"Vibrant Thing" - Q-Tip
"Womanopoly" - Musiq Soulchild
"Body Language"- Saukrates feat. Choclair
"Terrorist" - RZA feat. Black Knights & Killarmy
"Time Is Right" - Talib Kweli & Madlib

ENTRY 38: Dream Deferred

2008-02-07T08:29:00.001-05:00

Not sure if I mentioned this in before, but the orientation for film school was to be held today at 11 am, but due to circumstance this isn't going to happen. A couple of days ago, I received a call and email from Ed@trebas (lol that's what I call him) that due to the lack of enrollment the class will be postponed until June 2008.

I was REALLY looking forward to today and February 11th (the start date), but as it stands, it looks like I'll wait a little bit longer. The biggest problem, though, is my OSAP. It was set to be released on the 11th, but now that the class isn't starting until June 2008, will I have to apply all over again? Will my empoyment up to that point affect how much I receive? Sigh.

Well, all things considered things could be a lot worse :P At least I got a sweet laptop in the meantime!

BLOG PLAYLIST
"Sexual Eruption (Sensual Seduction)" - Snoop Dogg
"Blurry" - Puddle of Mudd
"What Happened to that Boy" - Baby feat. The Clipse

ENTRY 37: First Video Blog

2008-02-06T08:06:00.000-05:00

Not sure if I'll ever get used to this...oh well time will tell :)

ENTRY 36: My Tears Were Chicken Bones

2008-02-05T02:22:00.000-05:00

I usually don't bother with this stuff, but I had the strangest dream last night. It wasn't necessarily dark or nightmarish, but it was highly unsettling all the same. I can't exactly remember where I was, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't all too relevant. The important part was that there was a huge tent, and whenever I would go into this tent (again, I can't remember why I needed to go into this tent so often, other than there was a person I wanted to see that resided in it) I'd start having to pull chicken bones out of my eyes. It was incredibly bizarre and a little chilling. All of a sudden, as soon as I'd go into the tent, my eyes would start feeling weird, and I'd need to pull chicken bones out of them.

There were several other people inside the tent, which was about the size of a basketball court, and it was full of either sewing machines or washer/dryer combos, not too sure which. Anyway, I was going in and out of this tent, and it got to the point where these two women began watching me, and they would laugh whenever I began crying chicken bones. After this happened a couple of times, my right eye starting irritating me to an unbearable degree: a small piece of bone had gotten stuck. It got to the point where I started trying to pry it out using a pocket knife (the one I bought while I was in Winnipeg several years ago...I have since lost it).

That's all I can remember; it wasn't distrubing while I was dreaming it, but the more I think about it, the more unsettling it seems. Crying out chicken bones? Seriously, man, that's a big WTF. I really don't put much stock in the whole interpretation thing, but I might have to check it out for this doozy of a dream.

ENTRY 35: Minor Setback

2008-01-31T08:46:00.001-05:00

So, which is very unlike me, I stuck to my word and "asked" Joan out. As promised, I kept it very casual; I asked her if she had seen such-and-such a movie yet, since I was planning on seeing it later on in the week and was wondering if she wanted to come with. Good? Not good? I need some critique.

Unfortunately for me, she had (would you believe it) just seen the movie the day before, and warned me that it was kinda long, though it did have its good parts. And so, I was left empty-handed. She did, however, thank me for checking...

Minor setback. I don't think she was completely blowing me off...I hope so, anyway. The adventure continues!

BLOG PLAYLIST
"Focus" - Joe Budden
"No Transitory" - Alexisonfire
"Close Edge" - Mos Def

ENTRY 34: Curve-balls!

2008-01-28T14:15:00.000-05:00

It's funny. Before I'd be able to do pretty much a post a day; now I can barely manage one post a week. It's not like I have less to say. On the contrary, my life has been throwing me a lot of curve-balls lately, but dammit these are curve-balls I've been waiting for for quite some time now!

Things have really come along at work, and I've been able to settle down into a nice rhythm. On the other hand, I can't help but feel a bit put off by some dissention that is going on there. There is one guy that I hang out a lot with at work, and unfortunately for a lot of others, he is -- there are no two ways about it -- a bona fide, complete asshole. He is impossibly selfish, grossly opinionated, and offensively libertarian; he really doesn't give a shit who he puts off and when. He will say whatever he wants with complete disregard to who is around. At least twice a night I'll think "Did he really just say that? Am I-- Am I really supposed to respond to that?" So obviously, he isn't that well liked.

So why do I hang around with The Asshole? Well as far as geeks go, he and I are a pair of bananas in the same bunch. We're both HUGE comic book enthusiasts; we bring in our favourite titles and trade 'em up. He's introduced me to Robert Kirkman, who has since become my favourite comic book writer, and his titles (Invincible, Brit, and The Astonishing Wolf-Man) have become instant favourites, as well. On the other hand, I've introduced him to Bendis' Powers, which he enjoys. He has a great idea for a comic, and I'll be helping him out with the writing of it. He has introduced me to Lost, which has since usurped Heroes as my favourite currently running show.

All in all, excluding how we treat people, The Asshole & I have a lot in common. I can deal with him abhorrent behaviour, so I stick around. Plus, we're starting to play Dungeons & Dragons. How cool is that?

Okay don't answer that.

Curve-ball #2. As I mentioned in a previous post, Joan of Arc and I are both "junior" youth leaders in my church, and we work with the main youth leader, who is a SAINT. Anyway, over the weekend I confessed to St. Leader about my feelings for Joan, and to my surprise she was excited and happy! I just wanted to get it out of the way so that things wouldn't end up getting awkward and weird, but turns out St. Leader has been trying to play match-maker with me and Joan for quite a while now! On a long drive back from a workshop, she gave me some advice on what I should do and how I should proceed, and so yeah, I'm going to ask Joan out today. Nothing huge, just a movie thingy, but I'm positive that it'll be a good start.

Joan is just coming off stress leave from work, which really surprised me altogether: Joan stressed and out of sorts? Was that even possible?! I tried to be there for her without seeming too weird; she really appreciated it and it I think it brought us closer. During an outing with our young adult group at Church, she actually sought out body contact (leaning against me, hand on arm, etc.)! So yeah, I hope it'll all work out great.

Seriously, I've never felt this way, to the point where I'm actually consciously pursuing a love interest. It's all still so surreal. Me, fighting for love? Really?

Anyway, the curve-balls are coming fast, I just hope I'll be able to get at least some base hits...!

BLOG PLAYLIST
(a new feature, where I write down the songs I've listened to while typing out this post)
"I'm Sprung" - T-Pain
"Impossible" - Kanye West feat. Twista, Keisha Cole & BJ
"Terrorist" - RZA feat. Black Knights & Killarmy
"Rock Co.Kane Flow" - De La Soul feat. MF DOOM
"Strictly For The Heads" - Irs
"Burning Up (extended remix)" - Faith Evans feat. Missy Elliot & Freeway
"No Transitory" - Alexisonfire (Joan's favourite band!)
"Don't Leave Me Girl" - Blackstreet
"Throw Some D's (remix)" - Kanye West

ENTRY 33: Up-Swing!

2008-01-20T23:44:00.000-05:00

This is the first time I've been able to say this definatively in a long time: my life is looking up. Seriously! Things are good, and by the looks of it things can only get better! I could go into details about why I feel this way, but in all honesty I not completely sure why this is. Suffice to say that this is the first time in a WHILE that I've felt so optimistic, so this is a big deal. Don't want to break the high, quite yet!

ENTRY 32: Getting into a Groove

2008-01-16T04:35:00.000-05:00

Now that I'm getting into film school, I'm trying to get into sort of a writing groove. The more I delve into the mindset, the more prepared I'll be for the classes and the better I'll perform. That's the theory anyway.

Thus, I've taken up a little side project along with one of my World Vision co-workers. He's had this idea for a movie for a while, and has enlisted my help in writing it. It' s been a couple of days, and so far it's been a grueling process trying to flesh out the characters and setting down a concrete plotline (we haven't finished the latter yet). All in all, though, it's a heckuva lot of fun. My co-worker is really excited; I cranked out a couple of pages of script for the end of Act 1, and he exclaims "This is exactly how I pictured it!" Which was pretty awesome.

Gonna go home today and try to finish more of the first act. We still need to work on themes, characters, and plotlines, but for now I can work with what we've accomplished up to this point. Should be doubly challenging since it's supposed to be a comedic script, and I mostly do dramas & film noirs. I have done comedy, but those were just short skits. Overall, it'll be quite the journey!

ENTRY 31: The Former

2008-01-15T06:40:00.000-05:00

Not sure where I'm going with this post, but it's been a coupla days so I just thought I should write something.

Well first off, it looks like my school financial problems have all worked out. I submitted my OSAP application, and the estimate showed that I will most likely be fully funded for the program. That means I'll be getting the full $16,800 for the tuition. I will, however, have to pay for the registration fee as well as for books and equipment ($590). My ownly issue now will be how to pay it back. I work overnights, so I don't know how I'll be able to cope with that once I start attending classes full-time. If I don't cut down my hours, I'll be one tired young man. If I do cut down my hours, how the heck will I be able to pay back the student loan? Decisions, decisions.

What else? I talked to Joan of Arc for the first time since before the holidays. Before then, for various reasons, I had been ready to just give up. I wasn't seeing her often enough, and frankly I wasn't quite sure the interest was there. But yeah, I attended church on Sunday, and afterwards she had actively approached me. When she walked by, I (being the dork that I am) nervously started going through my cellphone. After a small pause, she playfully asked who I was calling. I laughed and mumbled something about adding a phone number. Then we started talking.

Wasn't anything climactic, I'll tell you that (don't get too excited). She mentioned how she had had a bad week at work, but we didn't really get into it. My lil' bro was in a hurry to leave, so I departed, and was it just me or did Joan sound a little disappointed as we said our farewells...? Anyway, it was enough to get me to e-mail her. I mentioned that I felt bad that her week went so poorly, and suggested a little bit of escapism with a movie. NO, I DIDN'T ask her out; I merely suggested, since we seem to have similar tastes in movies, that she should check out El Orfanato (The Orphanage). Then I said something about how I hoped her week went a lot better than her last one did.

I wasn't really expecting a response back, so I was kind of surprised when one popped up in my inbox. She mentioned in it that she was happy that I had thought of her, and that she had been thinking about seeing the movie, and would definitely check it out now that I had endorsed it. Kinda taken aback, to say the least. Just being courteous, or should I read between the lines? I'll stick to the former for now.

Wow...long post considering I didn't really know what to write about.

ENTRY 30: OSAP ASAP

2008-01-11T00:10:00.000-05:00

I'm really, really, really excited about my enrollment into Trebas. It's going to be amazing! Learning all the in's and out's, the do's and dont's about filming, directing, editing, and -- best of all -- screenwriting! The Institute just opened up a new studio, as well, so I'm heading to an open house next Wednesday to check it out. That should be awesome as well. The craziest things about it is that classes start February 11th! What?!

One downside: the tuition. I was under the impression that I'd have to pay, say, $5000...something along those lines. Turns out the tuition is a staggering $17,000. Where the hell am I going to find that much money in a month? Hence, why I'm turning to OSAP.

The last time I tried to apply for OSAP, I was turned down because I lived at home and my parents combined make more than 90K. Since then, nothing has changed, so as you can imagine I'm a little anxious. As I type this, I've been filling out the online application. Hopefully the sheer magnitude of the tuition will allow me some leeway in the eyes of the OSAP gods.

My pockets are lookin' kinda empty right now...

ENTRY 29: One Step Closer to the Dream

2008-01-09T00:10:00.000-05:00

Last couple of days (since Resolution Day, really) I've been kicking around the house, essentially being nothing more than a lazy (and at times, really sick) turd. It took me until early yesterday evening to realize that I had inadvertently accomplished exactly what I had set out to do.

Somewhere along the line, while I acted much like a couch (more of a bed) potato, I was able to get accepted into the Trebas Institute for the Film & Television Production and Post-Production program. In the first and second semesters, we learn (among other things) about screenwriting, which is what I'm truly interested in. Along the way, I'll learn about directing, production, and editing. Couldn't hurt!

On top of that, I may be starting as early as NEXT MONTH! Is that crazy or what? Ha, I was kinda just loafing around the house no more than 5 hours ago, when I stop and was like Whoa...I could be back in school in a couple of weeks! Hadn't realized I was following my Resolution so closely.

ENTRY 28: All Gone!

2008-01-07T22:50:00.001-05:00

If you've been reading my blog you will know that I am an aspiring Number 2 Warrior of the World, and so I've been growing my hair. It had just turned the corner from unruly Amazon underbrush to full-fledged afro when my parents returned from Barbados/St. Vincent.

First order of business, of course, was to trim the hedges. I've lost my afro! Woe is me!

I have to say, though, that my mom did a pretty good job. I am now sporting a long-ish fade style, with rugged facial hair. I'm going for the mutton-chops, baby!

ENTRY 27: Return to the Grind/Resolution

2008-01-03T02:56:00.000-05:00

Well here I am, back at work for the first time in a couple of weeks. Haven't skipped a beat; tonight is way busier than usual, to the point where it's getting on my nerves. Luckily, I have a little bit of time to actually be writing this down. My bro got me a freakin' diary for Christmas -- why the fuck would he get me one of those when he knows I have this blog? Why, bro, why? LOL well despite the fact that it's a diary, it's an awesome present; the cover art is wicked...maybe I'll use it as a rhymbook when I actually get around to doing music again.

I'm not a New Year's Resolution kinda guy, not even close (Happy New Year everyone, by the way). I feel like if one has to make a change, why wait until New Year's to "make" it? Because more often than not, if you haven't changed yet, it's going to take more than a a new January to make that change occur.

Now if I was a Resolution kinda guy, I know exactly what I'd resolve to do: to get off my ass, for God's sake. My parents are back; I've met them for all of an hour and I've already let them down. One of the main things on my Daunting List was to get an application in for film school, and I haven't done that yet. I spent most of my vacation doing vacation stuff, and forgot to do the things that would really matter (the music & the movie stuff). My own feelings are kinda muddied, but for one, I can sense a lot of shame.

Who knows, maybe I just put it all out there and Resolve to be less of a procrastinator. Set dates -- and actually stick to 'em. Then maybe my life would start moving forward.

ENTRY 26: The Tale of Two Parties

2007-12-30T19:07:00.000-05:00

The days following Christmas Day have been quite packed with activity, thus why I haven't blogged in five days -- I think that's a record for me! Anyway, I have a few more things to cross off my list. I was able to do some Boxing Day shopping and got gifts for everyone. Score!

The real story, however, is the two parties I hosted/attended in the last two days. I had my house party on the 28th, and to be honest, I had the sinking feeling that it was going to be a full-blown disaster. I had nothing planned for the party at all, and I wasn't even sure how many people were going to show up and who these people were going to be. I had been lax on the invitations, and just put out a lazy Facebook message. Not only that, I invited people from different parts of my life, and wasn't sure how they would mix. The party was scheduled to start at 8 pm; six o'clock rolled around and I was sweating bullets.

Turns out it all worked out perfectly. The party was more of a success than I had even dared to dream. I had a lot of help from my good friend Girl Next Door, whom I ended up sharing an alarming interlude with (that is all I'll say about that), and overall the party went smoothly. Thanks to all that came, it was a blast! The good thing is that though there was a lot of drinking, nobody got shitfaced and started throwing up everywhere, which was refreshing.

Which is more than I can say for the party I attended the next night. Lil' T invited me to the birthday party of a friend of his Lil' Y. I had no idea who this girl was, but I went anyway, and she was gracious, making a point to say her alcohol was my alcohol LOL. By the time we got there, the house was packed with drunk young adults, several of which were already either passed out, throwing up somewhere, or extremely close to either of these. There was a heckuva lot more people at this party, and a heckuva lot more alcohol. I myself went over the edge, and ended up with my head in the toilet on a few occasions. I had made the stupid mistake of not eating all day, so that really didn't help me out any.

The last few days have been a whirlwind of activity, that much I can say...ha, I haven't even mentioned my trip to Casinorama...

ENTRY 25: Afro Samurai

2007-12-25T12:40:00.000-05:00

Isn't it awesome that my 25th post falls on Christmas Day? In all honesty I hadn't planned it out that way; it just kind of happened! Anyway, big news is that I'm growing an afro! LOL I look kind of ridiculous when it's all combed out, but it's well on its way.

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope everyone is celebrating the Holiday Season is their own special and satisfying way. Me, I'm on my way to my Auntie's house really soon to get some gooooood food, lemme tell ya. My bro bought me Afro Samurai for Christmas (another coincidence!), so that's one thing off my list. Not only that, but it's the DIRECTOR'S CUT! Woot woot!

Anyway, I'll be back by tomorrow to tell you how it all goes...including *gulp* Boxing Day shopping..!

Merry Christmas!

ENTRY 24: Ones You Can Depend On

2007-12-22T12:36:00.000-05:00

So I've been feeling kinda down since the whole TFC "debacle" (okay it wasn't really a debacle, just a very short phone call, but whatever), and all in all feeling a lot of uncertainty and confusion over my future. I would've been in real trouble if it weren't for some timely intervention from friends.

Yesterday started off as long as ever until I was MSN'd by Crazy R. He was on his way downtown to pick up some transcripts and to meet up with some other peeps. I tagged along; overall the trip wasn't very eventful, but it felt nice to be in some good company.

From there I headed down to my bro's apartment, where he was having a pre-Christmas get together. I ended up heading there with his boyfriend Big A, who is an awesome dude. We had to actually wait outside Twin M's apartment because the idiot had decided to head to No Frills at the last second. It was okay, however; me and Big A had some good bonding time. Eventually it was Twin M, Big A, Co-worker J (perky white girl that works with my bro), Siv, and I in the apartment chowing down on some chicken & rice and downing the good ol' ethanol. It was great; Co-worker J had a lot of great stories, and overall the conversation was smooth, comfortable, not forced at all.

From there I headed down Bathurst to meet up from some friends from wayyy back. It was easily the highlight of the night, and it was great to just fall back into that comfort zone that had been formed eleven, twelve years ago.

ENTRY 23: Broken Glass, Everywhere II

2007-12-19T10:46:00.000-05:00

Couldn't finish this post last night; I was in absolute shambles. After I awoke from crying myself to sleep yesterday, I called up some buddies. One of them, whom I shall refer to as Crazy R, was completing his last exam that day. He finished at 5 pm, so we, along with two other friends whom I shall call The Lovers (they have recently gotten engaged), met up and went for some drinks. For me the plan was to just psychologically run away and put some distance between myself and the apparent destruction of my dream future. I was going to get pleasantly inebriated at some God-forsaken watering hole and hopefully end up with some company for the night (yeah...this was the state of mind I was in).

Didn't work out that way, much to my despair. We ended up at some Chinese restaurant, and I, completely forgetting myself, ordered some beef/vermicelli thing. Thus, since I'm highly allergic to MSG, I was mere minutes into my meal when my throat started closing and I felt like throwing up. Awesome dinner.

Afterward, instead of going to a bar we just bought some alcohol and went and chilled at one of The Lovers' (the woman) houses. On a side note, there had been a time when I had been desperately in love with this girl, but suffice to say that my heart, figuratively speaking, wound up crushed beneath her heel. It's been a while (several years) since this occurred, but every so often her knee would brush against my inner thigh, or she'd crawl over me, and it was really awkward and unnerving for me. She obviously didn't mean anything by it (that's just the way she is), but all the same it was uncomfortable at times.

We watched a shitty movie and then we went our separate ways. I ended up at home, not drunk enough and utterly alone. As I mounted my stairs a soft glow caught my eyes. It was my Christmas tree, which I had made sure to plug in before I left. I went over and hugged it.

ENTRY 22: Broken Glass, Everywhere I

2007-12-19T01:30:00.000-05:00

Today was a day that resounded with a brutal realization.

I looked at my Daunting List and jumped into it head-first. I was going to get things done, goddammit! I had come home from work, checked my e-mail, got breakfast, stretched my arms and got to work. I was going to first call the Toronto Film College and inquire as to what the next steps were in order to get accepted into the institution. As I was perusing my emails for the relevant phone number, I was talking to a friend online about what I was planning on doing school-wise. She told me, just as I found the college's phone number, that one of her friends had gone to the TFC, but 2 years later was still working at Burger King.

My heart dropped like lead in a fish tank. Denial tried to build a fortress but it was quickly, effortlessly, and efficiently torn down by despair. In a daze I got up from the computer, walked into my room and sagged down on my bed. Was this it? Was this what was in store for me? Should I even bother? At this point, despair started making way for persistence and courage. I picked up the phone. I was NOT going to be like Mr. Burger King. I will PERSIST; I will PREVAIL. There was NO WAY some horror story was going to stop me from realizing my dream.

I called the number.

Operator (tired; indifferent): Hello, thank you for calling the Toronto Film School.
Me (embarrassed): Oh, I'm sorry...I thought this was the Toronto Film College.**
Operator (irritated): They're the same thing.
Me (embarrassed): Oh...oh, ok. Well I had completed your online application and received this number in a responding email.
Operator (indifferent): Right.
Me (apprehensive): Yeah, so I was wondering what the next steps in the application process were.
Operator (indifferent): Well, actually sir the Toronto Film School is closing its doors in 2009, so we're not taking on any more students.
Me (heartbroken): ....Oh.
Operator (indifferent): Take care, sir. Good-bye.
*click*
Me (heartbroken): Good-bye...

And that was that. In an instant my entire dream came crashing down around me. The utter silence in the house was deafening, unbearable, yet I dared not disturb it by making a sound. Moments later, however, I did; I lay down in my bed and cried myself to sleep.

ENTRY 21: Unruly

2007-12-18T05:55:00.000-05:00

I think some time during my week off I need to do something about my hair. Right now it looks like wild Amazon underbrush. Yyyyikes!

ENTRY 20: Last Day

2007-12-18T03:39:00.000-05:00

So today is my last day on the job before my vacation begins. I would have thought I'd be more excited, but alas this is not the case. Instead, I feel a small, budding sense of apprehension deep in my chest; sometimes I'm worried that I won't be able to accomplish the things I want to get accomplished over this holiday season. Before she left, my mom chewed me out over my lack of commitment and drive; she's under the impression that I'm just going through the motions with this film college application. I really want to go to this school, but as of yet she's right: I haven't done anything to make it happen.

I could have ordered my university transcripts already, but I haven't. I received an e-mail in response to the online application, giving me a phone number to call for further inquiries; I could have called this number but I have yet to do so. Why, even when directed at a true love of mine, is my ambition still lacking? Why can't I just get up and do the things that need to be done?

Fortunately it's not too late to turn it all around. Today will define how much of a success my vacation will be. Will I get off my ass and start making some major moves, or will I sit back flipping channels while opoportunities pass me by? My mom wants answers when she returns; I have to discipline myself to make sure that these answers will be provided.

I'm going to miss my co-workers. There is one guy, whom I shall call S. Asshole, who is self-confident almost to a fault. He can argue anything, will argue everything, and doesn't care who he pisses off because of it. He is my comic book buddy; we both bring in trades and issues that the other has not seen or read yet, discuss current events in the Marvel, DC, and Image universes, and drool over the upcoming Batman: The Dark Night movie. Joker looks WICKED!

There is also Silver Shal, my movie buddy; he brings in his laptop and I provide various DVDs to pass the time. There is also Calm C, a soft-spoken dude with a strong, friendly spirit and a infectious laugh. Big D, my supervisor, and Mario are always good for a laugh as well.

Gonna miss 'em all!

P.S. I'm beginning to cross things off The Daunting List!

ENTRY 19: Snowstorm

2007-12-16T19:04:00.000-05:00

I stand corrected: there actually 3 types of snowfalls. I did mention two types before. There is the kind of snowfall that leaves you feeling kinda depressed (ie "Seriously, what the hell is up with this weather?"), when the wind is driving the snow sideways, and outside would be completely white if it weren't for the slate-gray sky. The wind sounds like a sell-out crowd at Madison Square Garden booing the woeful Knicks, and flakes look like small ice chips that just can't wait to try and tear you apart. The second type of snowfall leaves you feeling thankful and uplifted; the type that I described before (ie "Wow this is just beautiful").

The third type of snowfall is somewhat a mixture of the first two: it leaves you simply in awe of Mother Nature. It's a lot similar to the first one; you have your ridiculous amounts of driving snow as well as the Madison Square Garden howling winds. However, instead the sky is clear and pleasant, the snow fluffy and almost inviting. Outside looks exactly like the inside of a snow globe after furious agitation. During such times all you can say is "Wow..." ....and that's it.

Today was definitely a Snowfall #3 day. I had gone out at 6 a.m. (don't ask) to shovel the driveway, and right when I finished #3 began. I didn't think much of it at the time.

I just came in from snow-blowing the driveway, which had more than a foot of snow covering it.

----------------------------------

I put up my Christmas tree yesterday evening, which ended up being more fun than I thought it would be. I had contemplated not putting it up at all, seeing as it's only me in the house...good thing I didn't listen to myself!

In all honesty the tree doesn't look all that great. It has a threadbare appearance and is decorated sparsely (too many decorations to choose from!). It doesn't even have a star on the top (I couldn't find one). However when you turn off the lights and plug in the tree lights, all those minor shortcomings seems to disappear. The white lights shine through the green needles of the tree and reflect off the primarily red decorations to create a harmonious blend of colours; the tree subsequently emits its own aura that, in my eyes, epitomizes what any Christmas tree is supposed to symbolize.

To me it's not about the flashy multi-coloured lights and the tacky, flamboyant tinsel. My tree's quiet, soft glow communicates peace, subdued power, love. Instead of a "HEYYYYYY THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS TREE IT'S SOOOO AWESOME!!!!", it's a "Shhhhh. Come. Sit. Christmas is such a beautiful thing, is it not?"

That's just what I did. I sat by my Christmas tree for a couple of hours last night, in the dark, bathed in it's soft aura. It was great :)

ENTRY 18: Clean Up

2007-12-15T15:20:00.000-05:00

Had a long day at church; today was the first (and only) practice for the Christmas Pageant, which is to be performed tomorrow. Imagine trying to coral dozens of children (none of which are over the age of 10) to try and behave and act in an organized manner. Can somebody say HEADACHE? One of the co-directors walked out at the end of the practice (I'm guessing there were some creative differences) so now the other director, who also had to deal with two cranky children who had been up since 6 a.m. as well as asthma problems, is all by her lonesome on this. I feel really bad for her, I'll tell you that much.

Thing is that there is supposed to be this huge snowstorm today/tonight, so it might be canceled. I think she's secretly hoping that this'll be the case...!

For me, today is "House Day" (I love how I arbitrarily christen days) so I'll be spending the rest of the day cleaning up the house and doing the duties I have been neglecting for the past two days or so. That means cleaning the kitchen and washing the dishes (there aren't many), cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming and mopping the hardwood floors, washing my clothes, and lastly tidying up my room. That should take me a good two hours, I think.

-----------------------------------------------

Let's see if I can divulge a little more about last night's wonderful "Life Day". I went to my usual Friday night haunt, Smokey Joe's, where I've entered into a circle of friends. They are all a bunch of women, except for one other Black guy. They such a blast to hang out and dance with, and really it makes the evening a heckuva lot more enjoyable.

It seemed everyone was on the sauce a little bit more than usual. I know I was; I usually stop after two beers, just because I like to stay well under my limit. Last night I downed five beers in quick succession, and for the rest of the night nothing at all was really 100% in focus. Another young woman who is a part of this Circle, usually looks really serious and unapproachable, had two drinks and was completely hammered. She was gliding all over the floor like some angelic disco chick. It was good to see her outside her comfort zone and still be so comfortable. Good for you, Disco Angel!

Anyway, it was a great night. I was just disappointed it ended so early; I went to bed at 4:14 a.m.

ENTRY 17: Ugh

2007-12-15T09:52:00.000-05:00

Ugh. If there exists a word in the English language that completely describes how I feel at the moment, then that would be it. You know you've had a good night when you only have one sock on when you wake up and the other one is underneath your pillow.

Yeah, to say I'm slightly disoriented at the moment would be an understatement (Blogger's edit: the amount of spelling mistakes I've had to clean up in this one post is ridiculous). Head was pounding dully like a sledge hammer, but some good ol' Honey Nut Cheerios put that baby to bed in a hurry.

A LOT of people had injested their fair share of the ol' ethanol last night. I don't have time to get into the details at the moment; I have to go to church, which means I have to leave the house in 2 minutes haha.

ENTRY 16: Cold Christmas

2007-12-12T06:42:00.000-05:00

Yes, it is true. I have forced fate's hand, and in retaliation it has grounded me in Toronto for Christmas. I can't say that I am entirely disappointed, though there is some negativity; this is the first Holiday Season I have spent without my parents, and essentially by myself. It will, in more ways than one, be a cold Christmas.

I have to make the best of the situation, however, so that's what I will strive to do. Since I have the time off anyway, I've started making a list of the things I'll need to accomplish over the Holiday Season:

~~Buy my parents' Christmas gift: a new refridgerator.~~
Buy some DVDs. I MUST buy Afro Samurai, also thinking about buying/renting Superbad.
~~Christmas dinners: Auntie Norma & Twin M.~~
~~Hold a Holiday party at my house! Woot Woot!~~
~~Have a HUGE "Life Day" in two days! Woot Woot!~~
Try and muster up the courage and tactfully ask Joan of Arc on a date!
Apply to film school (yeah -- more on that later).
Ask the Master of Time about some music software (he was supposed to get it for a while ago).
For God's sake try to get well into Act 2 in James Black Investigations.

I know it doesn't look like much, but DAMN that's quite list. Just re-reading it right now, it looks to me to be quite daunting. If I get 70% of it done I'll be happy. I'll first start by ordering some transcripts from my university and high school. Then I'll make some calls get start solidifying a party date. Woot woot!

***BLOGGER'S EDIT: I'm beginning to strike things off the list as I complete them...1 down, several to go!

ENTRY 15: Marcus James

2007-12-10T04:38:00.000-05:00

Well here I am at work, bored out of my mind. I've been trying to work on my screenplay, but progress is slow. I'm stuck on a very crucial scene, one where the true, darker intentions of the protagonists begin to reveal themselves. I know which characters will be involved, I know it takes place at the Ossa Harbor Ironworks in the dead of night (setting), and as I mentioned before, I know how I intend on using the scene to further the story. The problem is that I don't know how the action unfolds. There has to be a hint of mystery, foreshadowing, and surprise. It's tough.

So I'm trying to help myself out by fleshing out the story as a whole here in my blog. The screenplay is title James Black Investigations, and follows the exploits of a grim, haunted private investigator named Marcus James. Marcus James lives in unarguably the worst city in America. The mayor is a cowardly punk, crime and hypocrisy run rampant, and air and water pollution are so thick that it has started causing mutations in the general public. James refers to the Ossa City as a virus, a poison that hungrily eats away at your soul, a fate you have no choice but to succumb to.

To Marcus James, morality has become a hinderance in his endeavors to escape this Hell on Earth. Ambition has consumed him and lands him right smack in the middle of a grotesque murder investigation. Utilizing skills and talents honed through his experience as an Ossa City Police Department (OCPD) detective alongside Det. Patricia Black, James works to outsmart and outwit the OCPD to solve the case and to keep himself out of hot water.

James' motives are far from noble. Within him, ambition only gives way to vengeance; he still feels more than tad bit of resentment towards the OCPD's Commissioner Harold Ballow for unceremoniously discharging him after a botched narcotics case and the subsequent death of his partner. More than anything else, James hopes to humiliate and discredit the force via this murder investigation, and to do so he enlists the help of the actress Pandora, the victim's widow Ms. Martha Chepovsky, and her attorney A. Thomas Smith. To them he is their savior; to him they are no more than pawns at his disposal.

So yeah, that's the set-up, but things start getting complicated once the city starts imposing its poisonous will on everyone involved: police brutality, mutations, drug addiction, political corruption...time travel (yeah you read that correctly), etc. etc. It also makes things complicated when writing. Yeesh.

BLOGGER'S NOTE: Ossa Harbor Ironworks just wasn't cutting it as the setting for this next scene. Changing it to the St. Philomena Memorial Park (where Black is buried).

ENTRY 14: "Joan of Arc" According to Tal Bachman

2007-12-09T03:21:00.000-05:00

Well it's officially the end of "my" weekend; I am back at work, taking calls for World Vision (woot woot!). The weekend was actually pretty eventful; I didn't have a "Life Day" per se, but nevertheless a lot of stuff went down. It was undoubtedly a weekend of change.

On Friday the youth group went out to catch that movie This Christmas. We were supposed to be talking about relationships, sex, etc., but AGAIN that discussion got postponed. I'm getting kind of miffed, and I'm not the only one; my fellow junior youth leader (sigh) was also concerned that the important discourse was being left on the backburner several times too many. Both of us understand why this is: our youth co-ordinator is not in the greatest of health, and thus does not have the strength or time to put together such meetings as often as she used to. Thus, we both have decided that it's about time that we both take on more responsibility for the planning of the meetings.

Anyway, we went to see the movie, and I was quite surprised at how much I enjoyed it. Now don't get me wrong it was nowhere near Oscar caliber, but at the same time it wasn't painful to watch. But that's neither here nor there; the highlight of the night was my interaction with the other youth leader. Is it just me, or am I finally getting over my "pedestalization" (my own word) of her? She's an incredible woman, but I'm beginning to think that she's no longer so High Above Me a la Tal Bachman -- no longer out of reach and unattainable, to be adored from afar...though she'll always be my Joan of Arc. Do I actually have a chance?

We had been just chatting in the lobby of the movie theatre, and there were two instances where my whole body got warm and my heart fluttered. The first was when she asked (were her eyes wide with...what?) if I was coming to the 20's & 30's Christmas dinner the next day (I'll get to that eventually). I said of course I was attending, to which she seemed quite pleased. Bam. Lub-dub, Lub-dub, Lub-dub.

The second instance was later when we were just talking about movies. She had mentioned she had seen No Country For Old Men. I have been dying to see that movie for the longest time, and I had expressed this sentiment. In response, she said (while again giving me that strange, wide-eyed look) that she wouldn't mind seeing it again. Bam. Lub-dub, Lub-dub, Lub-dub. I faltered noticeably, even said something along the lines about that being a good idea and how I was thinking about seeing it that night. Unfortunately that crashed-and-burned because the movie was starting at 10 pm...so yeah, no dice.

Jesus, man, I don't know what to think! What the hell, man?!

Next day (Saturday) was the aformentioned Christmas dinner. The 20's and 30's club went to the newly renovated Moxie's at Fairview, which turned out to be quite the swanky place. There was a line-up and everything -- it looked like some eccentric night club. We got in no problem, however, and I have to say that SHE (Joan of Arc) looked stunning. I couldn't look away. I have a feeling that this was noticed by everyone else present. Bah, who the hell cares. I was just so content with her being across the table from me in all her beauty, every so often looking (gazing, maybe?) back at me, smiling, laughing, sharing. Afterward, we both had the take a bus from Don Mills Station, so we walked and talked until her bus came. I erupted in a swooning sigh (yeah, exactly) as I watched her go. Jeez.

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In other news, the "saga" with my co-worker seems to have come to an embarrassingly quick conclusion. After reneging on the bowling + movie, she has quit! I don't know if I'll ever see her again now! Hardy har har. Well, with all this Joan of Arc stuff happening, I have to say I'm not feeling too down about it.

ENTRY 13: Life Story

2007-12-06T08:38:00.000-05:00

She flopped on me.

Apparently her dad is flying in from Trinidad tomorrow, so it is imperative that she clean up the house today. Hence, why bowling + movie is "postponed". Additionally, she's thinking about changing her shift, because all of a sudden working overnights is "scary" (her words not mine).

So I'll stay in and watch a movie off of Rogers On Demand. Such is life! Hardy har har.

ENTRY 12: Christmas Considerations

2007-12-06T00:02:00.000-05:00

God I had a big dinner but I'm already starving -- it's going to be a LONG night.

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Hmm. There has been a big turn-around in the last 24 hours or so. I guess it should have come as no surprise, but it has. My mom has officially informed me about this holiday trip they are taking: they depart in just over a week's time and come back in the new year. This means that I'd have the house to myself for just over two weeks. The surprising part is that they've found me a ticket -- if, that is, I can (read: want) to take it.

I thought about whether or not heading off to Barbados with the fam for the Christmas holidays is something that I really want to do. On the one hand, I think getting away from Toronto for a while is something that I should definitely be looking into. Besides, when's the next time I'll be able to go to Barbados? Yeah, probably not for a while. On the other hand, having the house to myself for two weeks would be pretty sweet, too (see previous post). On top of that, I was kind of hoping to spending Christmas with Twin M, and if I head off to B-dos that's definitely not going to happen. I CAN do with a break from delivering newspapers and sub-zero temperatures, on the other hand.

I dunno...I have yet to come to a final decision. But hey, it might not even be in my hands; I have to make sure work OK's the possibility of the trip. I don't want to end up coming back from B-dos and finding out that I no longer have a job. I'll find out about that at the end of my shift today.

Anyhoo, today should be pretty interesting...I'm going bowling with a co-worker (she's from Trinidad and says she's never been bowling before), but who knows there's a good chance that she'll flop on me -- wouldn't THAT be the story of my life? Hardy har har.

ENTRY 11: Rest in Peace

2007-12-05T03:41:00.000-05:00

Hmm. Did I sound a little jaded at the end of my previous post? Maybe a little bit of sour grapes? Yeah, I guess -- because that's exactly how I feel. It just strikes me as odd that my parents would plan a Christmas vacation without informing me. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.

Am I hurt? Slightly. But I have to admit that I'm a little excited, too! I'll have the whole house to myself for the holidays. That can make things pretty interesting...my "Life Days" can now fully be life days since I won't have to worry about getting home for 2 a.m. (woo!) All the same, it's going to be weird spending Christmas without the fam (though I will be attending Christmas dinner with my Auntie N). We'll see how that goes.

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I didn't get much sleep today; I was on duty at the funeral of Frank Daley at my church, the St. Andrew Anglican Church of Scarborough. There were over 300 people in attendance, and the sheer intensity of emotion that saturated the air had me incredibly humbled; I could feel that what I was sensing was only the tip of an unfathomably immense iceberg. I could hardly imagine that one man had had such a deep, positive impact on so many lives. Though I didn't know the man at all (I had only seen him around the church every now and then) I found that I was proud of him and all of his many accomplishments. I paid my own personal respects after the service, standing before his parish photo of him and his wife for a good minutewhile people bustled to and fro.

ENTRY 10: Buckling Down & Breaking Down

2007-12-03T23:56:00.000-05:00

Winter is truly upon us; when I left for work this evening the snow was coming down in huge whiet clumps that looked like entire dandelion heads. The sky looked like God was shaking his infinite head of infinite hair and was in desperate need of some Pert Plus or Selsum Blue. There are times when the snowfall can have a harrowing and overly depressing effect on one's soul; there are other times, when it falls lazily and almost majestically, when the snow can be calming, tranquil and serene. Tonight was one of those serene nights for sure...add to this the startling contrast between the black sky and white flakes, and you make for breathtaking scenery. It definitely got me in the right mood for work.

I've really been on my younger brother's ass recently about his schoolwork. He has three tests coming up (two of which he will be missing -- more on that later), the first of which is science. He seems to have a singular problem with science: it's not so much that he doesn't understand the concepts, it's more than he has trouble articulating them into coherent phrases. As I've mentioned before, I've started noticing Big M moving away from the academics and focusing ~80% of his energy either on athletics, comic books, or video games, and I wanted to actively try and reverse this before he begins slipping farther down into this apparent Native Son (ie N####r) Stereotype.

His teachers at school are beginning to treat him like a problem child, even though he has no history of class disruption; he'll get a stern penalty for something as trivial as accidently burping out loud or whistling a tune. He gets pegged as a D student by other teachers even though to the best of my knowledge before this year he's never gotten a D on a report card in his life. The best thing many of them can stress during parent-teacher interviews is how good he is a basketball (and he isn't even that good), rather than focusing on other things like his exceptional spelling test marks. With all this and more, I am almost completely convinced that Big M is beginning to internalize.

I am partly to blame, unfortunately. My bro's classmates, since late last year, have had this notion that I am some sort of gangster. I should have quelled these statements immediately, nipped them in the butt, as it were. However, I was somewhat mystified, flattered even, that I somehow embodied the "Super-cool Older Brother" archetype -- or at the very least a variation of such. I am sure that my supposed "gangster" image has added to Big M's internalization, and this is a major reason why I have decided to try to break down and reverse this phenomenon. Penance.

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I mentioned before how Big M may be missing 2 of his 3 imminent tests. Turns out that my parents and him are going on vaction. I don't know where they are going, I don't know when they are going (must be pretty soon though), and I have no idea how long they are going for. I have not been informed about this and I don't plan on asking any questions. I only found out because Big M opens his notoriously big mouth:

Mom: Make sure you study for that science test for Tuesday. And don't you have other tests as well? Make sure to study for those too!
Big M (and his big mouth): But aren't we not going to be here for those two?
(short awkward silence)
Mom: I want you to study for them anyway!
Big M (who can't take a hint to shut up): But we won't be here!
Mom: JUST DO IT!
**end of conversation**

I kept my mouth throughout this exchange; this was something they had deliberately kept from me, so if it was something they didn't want me to know about I wasn't about to start asking questions now. The next day my mom started mentioning something about possibly looking for another ticket, but again I kept my mouth shut; I don't intend on inquiring unless they full out come and tell me what the heck is going on. Anyway, that's the sitch.

ENTRY 9: Lovely Weather

2007-12-03T00:02:00.000-05:00

The date was December 2nd, 2007 when winter decided to joyously sweep into existence. The snow started coming down in white sheets late Saturday night, and by 7 am Sunday morning the streets had been victimized. It usually takes me about half-an-hour to get home on a Sunday morning from work.

In this wonderful winter wonderland, however, it took me TWO HOURS.

It seems that the great minds at TTC don't check the weather reports from day to day, and had no idea that we were going to be hit with the white stuff. Buses on all routes were in total disarray; even along Don Mills Road, buses were running at least 1.5 hours behind schedule. And on top of all that, Yours Truly was lucky enough to get on the one bus that decided to "short turn" (ie. go out of service prematurely) well before my stop. As a result, Yours Truly was forced to wait for another hour for the next bus.

And if it couldn't get any worse, Your Favourite Blogger had thought it would be fun to get into a semi-snow battle with two of his co-workers beforehand. As a result, my measly gloves -- and consequently my hands -- were quite damp and cold. Standing around in the cold for two hours just made things oh so much better! By the time I got home (9:15 am) I was in quite a foul mood, and in no state to attend church that morning. And so, since I hadn't slept since 7:30 am the previous morning, I dropped into my bed and was almost instantly dead to the world.

That could have turned out to be a really bad idea; that night I was scheduled to perform a skit with other members of the youth group. We had yet to practice, and we had planned on practicing at church that morning. Luckily, I was able to get to church that evening well beforehand and we were able to get in several good run-throughs. The resulting performance was very successful. The Carter Carol Party Skit Tradition continues!

ENTRY 8: End of Weekend/Anti-Climax

2007-12-02T00:19:00.000-05:00

Well I'm definitely breathing a deep sigh tonight, and it's definitely not a sigh of relief. What feelings and emotions saturate this exhale of breath? Dejection? Defeat? Unfulfillment? ...Disappointment? Yes, definitely disappointment; most likely a mixture of all the above. Remember that euphoria I mentioned in the previous post? That welling-up of hope and positive apprehension that occured as "my" weekend approached. Well, "my" weekend has passed me by with little to no adventure. It goes without saying that I was more than a little downcast.

Friday was a complete bust; after worrying for an entire week about the dreaded youth group meeting at my church, the meeting was cancelled due to lack of attendance. I was never given the opportunity to express my philosophy (which, who knows, may have been a good thing), but for some reason I was actually kind of looking forward to it. I ended up staying at home watching Bionixs cartoons on YTV, which didn't end up being too bad I must say. However, all in all, I didn't end up having much of a life on my "Life Day". I didn't even end up going to my new hang-out Friday night hot-spot Smokey Joe's; I got two texts from Paula saying that I was gravely missed by all. Touching...!

My Saturday wasn't very eventful, either. I was planning to go to church for the Tutoring/Mentoring Program as I usually do on a Saturday morning. However, I decided against it, and instead stayed at home and helped my little brother with his studies. It's a good thing I did; my brother is stuggling with his homework, not because he doesn't understand the varying concepts, but because he refuses to put in the necessary efforts. His own passions at the moment lie in video games, basketball, football, and volleyball. I have a nagging feeling deep in my gut that he is consciously or unconsciously ascribing to a Black stereotype. This is something that I will continue to investigate and try my darndest to break. Not healthy. Not at all...

ENTRY 7: Explanation (Video)

2007-11-29T14:54:00.000-05:00

UNDER CONSTRUCTION -- blogTV.com hates me right now....I'll figure it out, just you wait!

ENTRY 6: Here Comes My Weekend

2007-11-29T06:22:00.000-05:00

You ever get the feeling that things are going to go unconventionally better than usual? As the clock here at work continues to tick towards 7:00 am, strangely I am experiencing a cautiously growing feeling of excitment and euphoria. I know it sounds like some literary exaggeration, but it isn't; I actually feel euphoric. For the life of me, I couldn't provide you with a satisfactory explanation as to why. Is there anything special planned for tomorrow? Hardly.

I was searching through craigslist yesterday (a GREAT site, btw -- you can find ANYTHING on that thing), and I discovered a whole new section: "gigs". At the end of my scouting, I had a couple of ads that seriously needed responding to. One was a talent agency looking for new acts, and the other was a distribution company looking for albums to press. I will be contacting both of these sources for obvious reasons. Yet another ad was looking for talent to perform (for free, albeit) at a small student bar/club on Wednesday nights. Something to consider. Will anything come of all this? I don't know, but I certainly hope so! Can't get the hopes up too high, I guess.

I've started to seriously shop for a laptop that would work for me. I really don't need anything top-of-the-line, that's for sure -- just something that would work for my screenwriting, blogging, and multimedia needs. I have over $1000 saved, so it won't be a problem to buy one.

I'm still very apprehensive over the imminent youth group meeting at my church. I have, however, thought long and hard over what I can say, and I've solidified my philosophy. I'll make sure to chronicle how it goes during the aftermath.

ENTRY 5: Honey, I'm Condescending to the Kids

2007-11-27T23:43:00.000-05:00

Christmas is fast approaching; before you know it's going to be almost Valentine's Day -- THAT I can guarantee. I promised myself a couple of weeks ago that I would have all my shopping done already; I know the season shouldn't be all about consumerism, etc. etc., but this is the first year in a long time -- heck, maybe the first year EVER -- that I will actually have a sufficient amount of disposable income to dish out some satisfactory gifts.*

I've figured out what I'm going to get my parents for Christmas. Our fridge recently been a constant target for our exasperation, frustration, and frankly RAGE. Its various parts decide to cut out at various times, and in turn the repair man (the same one) has been making regular visits. Everyone is disgruntled...even the repair man!

In any event, an excellent gift would be a level playing field. I've always struggled to understand why I usually feel like total crap after any sort of serious discussion/argument with my parents I'm now getting closer to some sort of complete awareness and understanding. My parents have an innate way of patronizing a listener. I am fully convinced that they are completely unaware of this, but such condescention -- whether intended or not -- has begun to have a deep effect on me. I haven't quite delved into how far-reaching these effects have gone.

Again, I don't want to make out like a victim. Who knows, maybe it isn't such a big deal. Maybe patronizing doesn't have a huge negative effect, but in my opinion, why take the risk? Why not treat others like equals? Is belittling ever necessary?

ENTRY 4: Sex/Love Prequel

2007-11-25T23:59:00.000-05:00

It's the beginning of another week; more overnights at work, more mornings and early afternoons buried beneath my bedsheets. But as the week begins I am already regarding its end with a mixture of feelings I have yet to fully sort through. I am currently acting as one of the two junior youth leaders for my church's youth group, and on Friday we have planned a session to discuss love, sex, and relationships. For the most part, I have become something of a role model to many of the church's youth, a duty that I fully embrace. However, when it comes to the topics to be covered in the imminent session, being a role model is a duty I am not sure I can comfortably fulfill.

Love, sex, and romantic relationships are things I have seriously struggled with throughout my life. I have dated, but each time the relationships have been embarrassingly brief and depressingly empty, to say the least; the dates I have partaked in I did so only for the sake of dating, and all in all my heart had not been in it. I have experienced love, but only in its most unfilling of articulations: unrequited. I am not sure how, but somehow I have been conditioned to have an acute, immense fear of rejection, and thus have been kept from pursuing attractions; I have continued to love from afar for 23 years.

I have a certain naïveté pertaining to women, as well; it has kept me from fully understanding individuals' motives and intentions, and thus many an opportunity has callously passed me by. Don't get me wrong, I am no victim; my naïveté has also caused a lot of harm, too (if you have seen some of my previous blogs you'll know what I'm talking about).

Overall I am far from being a role model when it comes to this loaded subject. I can give a lot of theoretical advice, but when it comes to practical applications, I am effectively clueless. Should I start making notes for Friday or something? It only makes things more complicated that the object of my affection, for better or for worse, just happens to be the other junior youth leader. It's going to hard to talk about crushes, attraction, and relationships in front of the very woman you want to experience it all with. It isn't quite irony, but it still really sucks.

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In other news, I haven't been able to check my e-mail for a couple of days, so I don't know if I've recieved a response from the Toronto Film School. The apprehension is building; it is palpable!

ENTRY 3: Careers/Unstable Futures

2007-11-24T23:38:00.000-05:00

I fear for my brother.

I fear that his life is in jeopardy. Not in any conventional way, mind you; to the best of my knowledge nobody is hiding behind some corner, or sneaking into his apartment complex with a loaded gun and a desire for blood. But there IS a growing army of unsettlingly powerful people with chips on their shoulders. And who knows, there may BE, in one form or another, in their hearts a desire for blood.

My brother is presently teaching Grade 8 math, history, and English at an "academic" school in a decidedly rich neighborhood. His classes consist of an alarming majority of aloof teenagers with way too much money stuffed into their back pockets. My brother tries to challenge them in a school that is content with handing out straight A's like it was some sort of twisted charity, and the result has been an all-time low in class averages. Parents are all up in arms, despite my brother's incessant and repeated attempts in the past to open a forum of discourse. He has held daily extra help sessions; students have been indifferent and have not attended. He assigns homework; the students are indifferent and refuse to complete it. The end result is that the students are failing and their parents are enraged at my brother. Consequently, the administration is not happy.

All possible outcomes for this situation are not positive. Either my brother stays the course, and the parents -- many of them powerful figures in the society: doctors and lawyers -- force the administration to fire my brother, or my brother bends and hands the students marks they in no way, shape, or form deserve -- and in doing so, is forced to reliquish his integrity. Additionally, there would still be the very real threat of dismissal.

An almost impossible decision: do you continue to be a good teacher, or do you keep your job?

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In other news -- and I'm quite excited -- I've applied to the Toronto Film College for the Scriptwriting Diploma. It would be 8 months of classes (this is my understanding), but aside from that I do not know much. Information is apparently being sent either via regular mail or e-mail; I wait for it with eagerness and apprehension. Will I be accepted? If not, what then? If so, will it be a successful venture?

Out of all these questions, I have the answer to only one: if I do get accepted, I will fight tooth and tail, sacrifice blood, sweat and tears to make sure that is will be a successful venture.

ENTRY 2: The Rest of Your Life

2007-11-20T05:30:00.000-05:00

We are human, and we are all individuals. We all have our own specific dreams, our own specific aspirations, and our own specific interests, desires, loves of life. But do we all, in addition to these, have the abilities to achieve them? Do we live in a society where striving for obtainment can be readily executed? Is that something that is even condoned?

Over that last couple of years my eyes have been opened to the harrowing extent that status plays a role in our society. Becoming "successful" is no longer soemthing that can be self-defined; there is a standard that one seems to have to live by in order to get anywhere in this world, even if such universal definitions contradict individual dreams, aspirations, and desires.

What is the path that needs to be followed? Do you follow the formula or break the mold? Will it be worth it, or will the risks be overwhelming, too great to overcome? Does one persist?

ENTRY 1: Crossroads

2007-11-19T06:30:00.000-05:00

And I know what you're thinking, so let me get it out of the way and slap you right off the bat for thinking the title was a Britney Spears allusion. I am, figuratively speaking, at several crossroads in my life right now, so much so that ultimatums are being drawn.

As a rule I don't react well to ultimatums. I don't think many people do. But I have to admit that sometimes ultimatums can be necessary, and I am probaby 75% willing to concede that in my case drastic measures need to be taken. I'm kind of stuck in a rut. I'm making money, granted, but as of now there isn't much of a future in sight. Well, not an acceptable future in some people's eyes.

I know things have to change. I get it; I'm FAR from being a naive idiot -- idealistic, maybe, but not naive. Anyhow, it goes without saying that something's gotta give. Have you ever been in such a situation? Have you felt the extreme pressure? Almost as if you're running out of air and you're still uncomfortably far away from the water's surface?